If I knew then just how much I'd need you
Maybe I would have tried harder
Because when everything's turning to hell
I close my eyes and imagine you
I want to tell you just how bad it's been since you've left
And sometimes I wonder if I chased after you
Or just asked you why..would you still be here?
I wish you'd just hold me close and tell me it's all going to be all right
I miss the sound of your heartbeat
It was the most comforting sound when I wanted to cry
I miss your warmth and the way your hands could find the perfect place to push to make me giggle
You always kept me warm with your smile and the way your eyes seemed to eat up my love
I was so nervous to let myself go and fall into you
Now too late I realize all I want to do
And I wonder if maybe you still think of me
Why you left me
If you..even miss me
I know it's a stretch but I keep hoping that maybe you'd like to try
Loving me..
These nights are getting cold and I just want you to hold me
I know I'd sleep so fine in your embrace
Please cover me in your love
Warm up my cold feet and kiss my hands til my whole body flows
I'm Frozen without you
And I know it's a stretch but I was thinking
Would you maybe like to try
Loving me again?
Friday, December 23, 2011
Beautiful
I wish I was beautiful
Because maybe then you would have stayed
Maybe then I could have kept my sanity
But I will never be beautiful
In the same way that you will never look at me
Or want me
Or absolutely need me
Breathe me
Spend every second thinking of me
I wish I was beautiful
I used to think I could be
If I stood in the rain or I had a touched up photograph
But after a while
If you stare at the picture long enough
You can find every hidden flaw
People love the sunshine
The snow
The rain
I'm that cloudy day that everyone says is ugly and depressing
Yet I love that cloudy empty day
Maybe it's because I think I'm beautiful
But honestly
I'm thinking it's because those days
Are a blank canvas ready to be filled with love
I used to believe beauty was within
That's unrealistic because naturally we all have ugly souls
There is nothing pure about being human
It's physical as well
A perfect combination of the two
Because let's be honest
We've all looked at thesweetest person
Found their every flaw
And thought ourselves handsomer
Better
We picked apart pulchritudinous people and called them a bitch
To feel better
Were so consumed with only finding half the beauty that we always forget
It's an equation
A perfect balance
So maybe I'll never be flawless
And you'll never find me gorgeous
Or sexy
Or need me late at night
Maybe you won't dream of my kisses on your skin
My eyelashes tickling your bare chest
Maybe you won't think of our feet intertwined
And maybe I can't be beautiful
Because the only beauty I've ever found in this cruel world
Was our bodies held close
With a promise of never letting go
Because maybe then you would have stayed
Maybe then I could have kept my sanity
But I will never be beautiful
In the same way that you will never look at me
Or want me
Or absolutely need me
Breathe me
Spend every second thinking of me
I wish I was beautiful
I used to think I could be
If I stood in the rain or I had a touched up photograph
But after a while
If you stare at the picture long enough
You can find every hidden flaw
People love the sunshine
The snow
The rain
I'm that cloudy day that everyone says is ugly and depressing
Yet I love that cloudy empty day
Maybe it's because I think I'm beautiful
But honestly
I'm thinking it's because those days
Are a blank canvas ready to be filled with love
I used to believe beauty was within
That's unrealistic because naturally we all have ugly souls
There is nothing pure about being human
It's physical as well
A perfect combination of the two
Because let's be honest
We've all looked at thesweetest person
Found their every flaw
And thought ourselves handsomer
Better
We picked apart pulchritudinous people and called them a bitch
To feel better
Were so consumed with only finding half the beauty that we always forget
It's an equation
A perfect balance
So maybe I'll never be flawless
And you'll never find me gorgeous
Or sexy
Or need me late at night
Maybe you won't dream of my kisses on your skin
My eyelashes tickling your bare chest
Maybe you won't think of our feet intertwined
And maybe I can't be beautiful
Because the only beauty I've ever found in this cruel world
Was our bodies held close
With a promise of never letting go
Monday, December 19, 2011
Pathetic Fool-> Slam Poetry
You're a pathetic fool dragging around your dropped jaw and your spazzy arms. You gawk at me and vomit words that aren't even true. You laugh and screech at me to go die. You holler and call me a bitch. It doesn't matter how sticky sweet I am, I'm still a whore. I'm gay, a bitch, worthless, waste of space, you don't care. You don't care. You don't care about me. So why if I pull myself home and glide a blade across my skin. I'll drip thick crimson rain. I sit here and patiently wait for the day you step on the wrong toes and they punch your crooked slack jaw loose. I'm sick of the games. I don't give a fiddlers fart about you. Quite honestly, I hope they put you in your grave kicking and screaming. They'll suffocate you with dirt and hatred. When your buried real deep, I'll spit on your grve. I hope you feel it drip around your face and caress your skin. You're giving me headaches. I want to claw at your eyes and bite at your flesh. Tear your apart and rip out your heart. Don't call me irrational, you brought it on yourself. Next time you open your mouth, bite your tongue until it bleeds because if you don't I will bite it for you and your blood will drip slowly down my throat. Tell me, you think I'm a cat with your calls, how does it feel when a cats got your tongue? Don't you dare tell me what or who I should do. To hell with you and your view. Your attitude reeks of month old tuna and piss. You're the kind of person that makes me choke back stomach bile and dig my nails into my skin. Don't play with me, because I swear to every diety, I will win.
Those Heartless Thieves
I'm kicking and screaming
Why the hell did you take it?
The world is a conspiracy, all out to get me
They want to take away the last thing I really need
My heart, it'd bleeding
It's seeping, leaking love and word of adoration for you
But you sir, you are so blinded
Can't you see all I want to do is love you
I miss you so much
Ever since we've been apart I haven't smiled
I spend each day choking back tears because...
Because people don't usually love me or care about me
But you did, you did
Did
Past tense
Over
Now is the present and I'm stuck clutching the hands of this clock
Wishing everything was different
And This empty helpless feeling would leave
So tell me please
Have you sir ever wanted to die?
When I'm alone in ny mind
When everyone's left me behind
I just want to jump
Jump off the damn Eiffel tower
Revolver in hand and play solo Russian roulette all the way down
Sounds tempting doesn't it?
As tempting a giving a fat bitch a cake filled with razor bladed
Maybe then she'd learn not to speak
So what the hell does she have that I don't?
Tell me what I did to make you decide to leave
I'm sitting alone in a dark moist cellar
Crying in the corner because they took my knives away
They took my gun away
They stole my easy way out
They stole my sanctity
Godammit they stole you!
Why the hell did you take it?
The world is a conspiracy, all out to get me
They want to take away the last thing I really need
My heart, it'd bleeding
It's seeping, leaking love and word of adoration for you
But you sir, you are so blinded
Can't you see all I want to do is love you
I miss you so much
Ever since we've been apart I haven't smiled
I spend each day choking back tears because...
Because people don't usually love me or care about me
But you did, you did
Did
Past tense
Over
Now is the present and I'm stuck clutching the hands of this clock
Wishing everything was different
And This empty helpless feeling would leave
So tell me please
Have you sir ever wanted to die?
When I'm alone in ny mind
When everyone's left me behind
I just want to jump
Jump off the damn Eiffel tower
Revolver in hand and play solo Russian roulette all the way down
Sounds tempting doesn't it?
As tempting a giving a fat bitch a cake filled with razor bladed
Maybe then she'd learn not to speak
So what the hell does she have that I don't?
Tell me what I did to make you decide to leave
I'm sitting alone in a dark moist cellar
Crying in the corner because they took my knives away
They took my gun away
They stole my easy way out
They stole my sanctity
Godammit they stole you!
Don't Love Her
I feel like I'm gonna die
And you know maybe that wouldn't be so bad
I wouldn't have to see you hold her hand
Or watch her make you smile
So stop acting like me dying is such a sin
A horrible dreadful sin
I mean they tell me each day no one loves me
So please who would give a damn?
Don't you want me to be happy cause seeing you smile is what I've been living for
I love your laugh and this little look you give me
My look
My special look
And I love that we can stare at Eachother
And you'll try to be serious
But whenyou look at me you can't help but smile
But maybe that isn't happiness shining through
Maybe I'm just a joke.
I just like to believe it's because when you look into my eyes
You see my heart beating for you
And that maybe, just maybe you care
Someone just cares
All day I've felt sick
As if I'll just fall dead because my stomach exploded
Ill color the walls with my blood and fear
I'm afraid to die without you
So if I'm sick
And if I'm really dying
If I'm losing my mind
Please
Just tell me
Tell me you love me and not her
Tell me you never loved her
Please
Just please
And you know maybe that wouldn't be so bad
I wouldn't have to see you hold her hand
Or watch her make you smile
So stop acting like me dying is such a sin
A horrible dreadful sin
I mean they tell me each day no one loves me
So please who would give a damn?
Don't you want me to be happy cause seeing you smile is what I've been living for
I love your laugh and this little look you give me
My look
My special look
And I love that we can stare at Eachother
And you'll try to be serious
But whenyou look at me you can't help but smile
But maybe that isn't happiness shining through
Maybe I'm just a joke.
I just like to believe it's because when you look into my eyes
You see my heart beating for you
And that maybe, just maybe you care
Someone just cares
All day I've felt sick
As if I'll just fall dead because my stomach exploded
Ill color the walls with my blood and fear
I'm afraid to die without you
So if I'm sick
And if I'm really dying
If I'm losing my mind
Please
Just tell me
Tell me you love me and not her
Tell me you never loved her
Please
Just please
Saturday, December 17, 2011
One Last Shot
I'm so tired of laying awake
I'm exhausted but I can't stop my mind from running
One second I want the world
I want to win and own it all
The next I'm hopeless and realizing
I'm just a silly child
Dreaming too big
Reaching for the stars won't get me anywhere
Even if I had a ladder tall enough to take me up
How the hell would I catch a breath
Succeed and die trying
Or succumb to being rational
Safe and rational
These shots in the dark are kicking me in the ass
The worlds become a big bitch
Who just can't shut her damn mouth
I keep hoping one of my bullets will hit her
I'm hoping I'll make it so all these bastards will regret the venom they spit at me
They'll beg at my feet and lick my wounds clean
But I'll do exactly what they said I'd do
I'll push them away and treat them the way they hurt me
I'm not a bigger person
In fact, I'm quite small
Above no one
So beat me
Cover me in bruises cuts and tears
Discolor my world
Just don't expect any sympathy when I'm on top of you
I'll pity your soul as I give you a piece of my sole
I'm so tired of not sleeping
I'm losing my mind
But that's perfectly acceptable
Because it gives me the will to be irrational
It gives me the energy to find the tallest ladder in the whole world
I'm getting my star
Even if it kills me
I'm exhausted but I can't stop my mind from running
One second I want the world
I want to win and own it all
The next I'm hopeless and realizing
I'm just a silly child
Dreaming too big
Reaching for the stars won't get me anywhere
Even if I had a ladder tall enough to take me up
How the hell would I catch a breath
Succeed and die trying
Or succumb to being rational
Safe and rational
These shots in the dark are kicking me in the ass
The worlds become a big bitch
Who just can't shut her damn mouth
I keep hoping one of my bullets will hit her
I'm hoping I'll make it so all these bastards will regret the venom they spit at me
They'll beg at my feet and lick my wounds clean
But I'll do exactly what they said I'd do
I'll push them away and treat them the way they hurt me
I'm not a bigger person
In fact, I'm quite small
Above no one
So beat me
Cover me in bruises cuts and tears
Discolor my world
Just don't expect any sympathy when I'm on top of you
I'll pity your soul as I give you a piece of my sole
I'm so tired of not sleeping
I'm losing my mind
But that's perfectly acceptable
Because it gives me the will to be irrational
It gives me the energy to find the tallest ladder in the whole world
I'm getting my star
Even if it kills me
Where are you
I'm staring into the empty space beside me
Wondering, where areyou?
The rain slowly drops and rolls down the bus window
The chill makes me miss your embrace
I can't count these raindrops alone
Where are you?
4 rings and you still haven't picked up your telephone.
13 voicemails later and I can't stop my stuttered breathing
And the rain drops dripping down my face
My thumbs keep on tracing eachother but it's not the same
You had those big hands to entertain mine for hours
Where are you?
It feels like 5 billion years since we last spoke
Every where I go I swear I hear your charming voice
I keep seeing you around the bend of corridors
I yell and I scream
But you never answer
Where are you?
It's days like this
Sitting alone onthe bus staring at my telephone
The empty space beside me
Counting raindrops that pelt against the window
But having trouble
Because the rain is in my eyes
The roof must have sprung a leak
A salty lonely leak
I never got to dance with you
As it poured rain with our foreheads just barely touching
Our mutual love for rain
But not for eachother
My clumsy feet just can't keep up
And as you turned away
I fell to my knees and swore I'd never forgive you
But I do now
I do now
I'm sorry...
Where are you?
Wondering, where areyou?
The rain slowly drops and rolls down the bus window
The chill makes me miss your embrace
I can't count these raindrops alone
Where are you?
4 rings and you still haven't picked up your telephone.
13 voicemails later and I can't stop my stuttered breathing
And the rain drops dripping down my face
My thumbs keep on tracing eachother but it's not the same
You had those big hands to entertain mine for hours
Where are you?
It feels like 5 billion years since we last spoke
Every where I go I swear I hear your charming voice
I keep seeing you around the bend of corridors
I yell and I scream
But you never answer
Where are you?
It's days like this
Sitting alone onthe bus staring at my telephone
The empty space beside me
Counting raindrops that pelt against the window
But having trouble
Because the rain is in my eyes
The roof must have sprung a leak
A salty lonely leak
I never got to dance with you
As it poured rain with our foreheads just barely touching
Our mutual love for rain
But not for eachother
My clumsy feet just can't keep up
And as you turned away
I fell to my knees and swore I'd never forgive you
But I do now
I do now
I'm sorry...
Where are you?
Out of Time
I'm sick of seeing your sorry face everyday
If I were free I'd leave and go so far way
They say I can't keep running from my problems
Well baby I got a full gas tank
And 3 bottles Of vodka
I'm set for the next few hundred miles
So shove your doubts down your throat
Swallow them down
Take em straight
I don't have time for all this hesitation
I don't have a life for being held back
I'm out of this place where I'm stranded
Where I'm stuck with someone who left me
In the past few months
Nothing has changed
You hate me
I need you
So I'll just pick myself up off the floor
I'll drag myself out the front door
I'm going so far away
I'm running from you
Even though they told me not to
If I were free I'd leave and go so far way
They say I can't keep running from my problems
Well baby I got a full gas tank
And 3 bottles Of vodka
I'm set for the next few hundred miles
So shove your doubts down your throat
Swallow them down
Take em straight
I don't have time for all this hesitation
I don't have a life for being held back
I'm out of this place where I'm stranded
Where I'm stuck with someone who left me
In the past few months
Nothing has changed
You hate me
I need you
So I'll just pick myself up off the floor
I'll drag myself out the front door
I'm going so far away
I'm running from you
Even though they told me not to
You Don't Like Poetry
Did you find yourself out there?
Did you find out all you can be
When you left me?
Did you miss your home
Do you even know what home is
Because this house is cold without you
This life is dull without you
Did you find a new girl who can be so much more?
A girl who's not a cold unloving bitch like me?
Did she break you?
I know she hurt you
I told you I'd be the one to refrain from tearing your heart out
I keep trying to move on but I'm still sitting here
Drawing your beautiful face with soft clean slow strokes
I've been working on a portrait a bit less lifelike
This one has love in his eyes
I've been painting since you left
Anything to get my heart closer to your mind
You don't like poetry
So I drew the words
But they came out as red and black splotches on a page
I tore threw the paper because color couldn't hold my anger
Tell me
Who did you find out there when you were running from me?
Did you become everything you said you'd be?
Did you miss me and does it hurt you like it's hurts me to see you smile each day?
You're right next to me but so far away
Don't we all deserve a second chance to prove there's so much more?
Why did you become so cold and heartless?
Come back home
I'm out of sweaters and the heaters broken
I need you back
Sofind yourself and leave her behind
I'll be nicer I swear
I cant keep drawing
Save me from myself
Did you find out all you can be
When you left me?
Did you miss your home
Do you even know what home is
Because this house is cold without you
This life is dull without you
Did you find a new girl who can be so much more?
A girl who's not a cold unloving bitch like me?
Did she break you?
I know she hurt you
I told you I'd be the one to refrain from tearing your heart out
I keep trying to move on but I'm still sitting here
Drawing your beautiful face with soft clean slow strokes
I've been working on a portrait a bit less lifelike
This one has love in his eyes
I've been painting since you left
Anything to get my heart closer to your mind
You don't like poetry
So I drew the words
But they came out as red and black splotches on a page
I tore threw the paper because color couldn't hold my anger
Tell me
Who did you find out there when you were running from me?
Did you become everything you said you'd be?
Did you miss me and does it hurt you like it's hurts me to see you smile each day?
You're right next to me but so far away
Don't we all deserve a second chance to prove there's so much more?
Why did you become so cold and heartless?
Come back home
I'm out of sweaters and the heaters broken
I need you back
Sofind yourself and leave her behind
I'll be nicer I swear
I cant keep drawing
Save me from myself
Break Me
You ever miss someone so much it hurt your bones
Your back aches and you can barely walk
You're grandmother used to say it's gonna rain but you know better
You know the rain is only coming down on you and your heart
But it won't cleanse the pain away
You get up every morning hoping for more and feeling horrible
Unfulfilled
You go to bed with thoughts of him in your head
You look over them for hours and every moment you shared means the world to you
But as the night goes on you realize he doesn't really care
You hope he'll profess his love tomorrow
But if he did wouldn't he answer your calls and letters?
You keep hoping something will change but wouldn't it have so long ago?
You can't get over him and everyday it gets worse
Suddenly youre looking around and there's so much you've missed
No one treats you well so you swallow a bottle of pills
You cut your skin and no one sees
You're alone and there's nothing left
People say it's all just a joke and why don't you just go die
They don't care that they're breaking you apart
You find yourself next to him and you dream of all you could be
Your arms brush and you have butterflies
You're so scared because you're falling and he's standing
He's flying
He's an angel and you're so far away
Alone in hell because no one would take you
He's there and you're obsessed
Dear god he's leaving you so soon
There's no way he'll love you before he's gone
And you know
You know it's hopeless and helpless
You've got no direction but up
Towards his heart
You're just another one
And it's never going to go your way
Your back aches and you can barely walk
You're grandmother used to say it's gonna rain but you know better
You know the rain is only coming down on you and your heart
But it won't cleanse the pain away
You get up every morning hoping for more and feeling horrible
Unfulfilled
You go to bed with thoughts of him in your head
You look over them for hours and every moment you shared means the world to you
But as the night goes on you realize he doesn't really care
You hope he'll profess his love tomorrow
But if he did wouldn't he answer your calls and letters?
You keep hoping something will change but wouldn't it have so long ago?
You can't get over him and everyday it gets worse
Suddenly youre looking around and there's so much you've missed
No one treats you well so you swallow a bottle of pills
You cut your skin and no one sees
You're alone and there's nothing left
People say it's all just a joke and why don't you just go die
They don't care that they're breaking you apart
You find yourself next to him and you dream of all you could be
Your arms brush and you have butterflies
You're so scared because you're falling and he's standing
He's flying
He's an angel and you're so far away
Alone in hell because no one would take you
He's there and you're obsessed
Dear god he's leaving you so soon
There's no way he'll love you before he's gone
And you know
You know it's hopeless and helpless
You've got no direction but up
Towards his heart
You're just another one
And it's never going to go your way
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Nightmares
I awoke at midnight witnessing images of you in my mind
I was reaching and you were hesitant
This constant confusion has gotten old
I awoke to laughter outside my window
And faint voices downstairs
I looked around in panic
The world was quiet
The voices wouldn't fade
I awoke in the morning to fear if death
The feeling of impending doom
I laid silently in my bed with a small fear
Had I finally lost my mind?
Now later in the day, I can't control what I say
Everything Is completely out of my control
I see you
I don't
I hear them
I don't
I couldfeel you take my hand but you didn't know if you should follow
But you came
You kissed my lips
Then you left
What am I supposed to do
I can't get over this idea
That giving up willruin something that can possibly be
Even after the most amazing time
With a feeling I finally wasnt alone
But I am alone
You didn't care enough to not pull away
So in a tearful regret
I realize I just don't care as much as I used to
Though I wake up at midnight missing you
And sometimes my thoughts wander towards you
Maybe I even hope sometimes
None of that matters
I still sometimes dream
But im starting to face the truth
I will never be with you
I was reaching and you were hesitant
This constant confusion has gotten old
I awoke to laughter outside my window
And faint voices downstairs
I looked around in panic
The world was quiet
The voices wouldn't fade
I awoke in the morning to fear if death
The feeling of impending doom
I laid silently in my bed with a small fear
Had I finally lost my mind?
Now later in the day, I can't control what I say
Everything Is completely out of my control
I see you
I don't
I hear them
I don't
I couldfeel you take my hand but you didn't know if you should follow
But you came
You kissed my lips
Then you left
What am I supposed to do
I can't get over this idea
That giving up willruin something that can possibly be
Even after the most amazing time
With a feeling I finally wasnt alone
But I am alone
You didn't care enough to not pull away
So in a tearful regret
I realize I just don't care as much as I used to
Though I wake up at midnight missing you
And sometimes my thoughts wander towards you
Maybe I even hope sometimes
None of that matters
I still sometimes dream
But im starting to face the truth
I will never be with you
I Lost You
I miss dreaming of you
I miss holding your hand
I miss the way you could always make me smile
I miss your laugh
I miss your warmth
I miss the way you made me live
I miss the way you made me cry
I miss the way you made me lie
I miss the way we kissed
Like there was nothing but you and me
I always smiled as our faces touched
I miss the way we'd hug
You lean your head near mine
I miss being yours
I miss the confusion that hurt
I miss loving you
But I don't miss you
I'm so afraid because
I lost my will
I lost my way
I lost the love
I lost my smile
I lost your laugh
I lost my self esteem
I lost caring about the world
I lost a chance to have just one dance with you
I used to smile from dreams of you
But now
I lost you
I don't know if I care
I don't know if I'm unhappy
I dont know about the rest of the world
I don't know if I'll go on
I don't know if you still care
I don't know if you're just sitting there
Lying to me and her and him and losing control
I don't know if you're okay
I don't know if I care
I miss having you to lose but I just don't know if i care
I miss holding your hand
I miss the way you could always make me smile
I miss your laugh
I miss your warmth
I miss the way you made me live
I miss the way you made me cry
I miss the way you made me lie
I miss the way we kissed
Like there was nothing but you and me
I always smiled as our faces touched
I miss the way we'd hug
You lean your head near mine
I miss being yours
I miss the confusion that hurt
I miss loving you
But I don't miss you
I'm so afraid because
I lost my will
I lost my way
I lost the love
I lost my smile
I lost your laugh
I lost my self esteem
I lost caring about the world
I lost a chance to have just one dance with you
I used to smile from dreams of you
But now
I lost you
I don't know if I care
I don't know if I'm unhappy
I dont know about the rest of the world
I don't know if I'll go on
I don't know if you still care
I don't know if you're just sitting there
Lying to me and her and him and losing control
I don't know if you're okay
I don't know if I care
I miss having you to lose but I just don't know if i care
It's Okay to Cry
Pretty baby you say you won't cry
So you're makeup won't run
Instead you pull your knees to your chest
And you hope you'll soon die
Oh pretty baby can't you see
Slowly, so slowly you're killing me
So I pull my knees to my chest
I cry unafraid of the black on my knees
I hope you'll never die
I promise you I'll never lie
I promise you I'll never leave you alone
Scream and plea for me to just let you be
I'd love to
I want to give you everything you want
But darling my heart simply can not bear
To let you suffer alone
No one should ever be alone
I can't let you alone
Don't let me be alone
I'll hold you tight if thats what you need
Oh pretty baby lift your eyes
Unpucker those lips and smile
There's so much time in our world
Let's just run away for a while
Let's be alone for a while
Forget the world for a while
Don't you ever forget me
I don't believe I'll ever cease a yearning for your existence
Remember pretty baby
Just cry
So you're makeup won't run
Instead you pull your knees to your chest
And you hope you'll soon die
Oh pretty baby can't you see
Slowly, so slowly you're killing me
So I pull my knees to my chest
I cry unafraid of the black on my knees
I hope you'll never die
I promise you I'll never lie
I promise you I'll never leave you alone
Scream and plea for me to just let you be
I'd love to
I want to give you everything you want
But darling my heart simply can not bear
To let you suffer alone
No one should ever be alone
I can't let you alone
Don't let me be alone
I'll hold you tight if thats what you need
Oh pretty baby lift your eyes
Unpucker those lips and smile
There's so much time in our world
Let's just run away for a while
Let's be alone for a while
Forget the world for a while
Don't you ever forget me
I don't believe I'll ever cease a yearning for your existence
Remember pretty baby
Just cry
Becoming Nervous
Lately I've been broken
Ive been sitting before a crowd half naked
Feeling so open and afraid
The world could see my every flaw
Everytime I look in your eyes my mind starts reeling
The ground falls away
I stumble around
It's been so long
I thought I was just fine
Now you've waltzed back into me thinking it would be all right
I've been slapped silly by you
Searching for your existence
Needing you and looking for your smile
Wipe the drool from my face
Please help me stand because I'm down here all alone and the world keeps staring at my scars
Why won't anyone reach their hand out to me
Why are you all so angry I'm sorry I'm just so depressed and hurt and upset...no
I'm just so sad
But no one will listen
Since you're gone
I have no will to go on
I'm up and down
Spun around
No where to run no where to hide
I'm naked before my audience and no one will shieldtheir eyes
I've never been nervous but this is just to much
I don't want to see you everyday
Lately I've been broken
Drop the curtain
My show is done
Get the fuck out, unless you'll hold me as I cry
Ive been sitting before a crowd half naked
Feeling so open and afraid
The world could see my every flaw
Everytime I look in your eyes my mind starts reeling
The ground falls away
I stumble around
It's been so long
I thought I was just fine
Now you've waltzed back into me thinking it would be all right
I've been slapped silly by you
Searching for your existence
Needing you and looking for your smile
Wipe the drool from my face
Please help me stand because I'm down here all alone and the world keeps staring at my scars
Why won't anyone reach their hand out to me
Why are you all so angry I'm sorry I'm just so depressed and hurt and upset...no
I'm just so sad
But no one will listen
Since you're gone
I have no will to go on
I'm up and down
Spun around
No where to run no where to hide
I'm naked before my audience and no one will shieldtheir eyes
I've never been nervous but this is just to much
I don't want to see you everyday
Lately I've been broken
Drop the curtain
My show is done
Get the fuck out, unless you'll hold me as I cry
Broken
2 months ago I was fine
Now I'm hiding under my blankets like the little kid I am
No one can touch me here
I was fine
Now I'm broken
Now I'm broken
Now I'm broken
Broken
Broken
Hurt and. Oh so
Broken
Falling
Breaking
Crashing
I'm like glass
The pieces just won't go back together seamlessly
I'm just so shattered
Without you
Be a glassblower
Make me a cathedral window
Turn my pain into beauty
You always were such a beautiful artist
You're so beautiful
So hurt
So unbroken
I want to be pulchritudinous
Make me colorful and filled with melancholy joy
Make the sun shine through me and create something truly magnificent
I'm so broken
It's because if you
You
Broke
Me
You broke me
Unbreak
Unbroken
Glass
Cathedral
Window
Let them see
But you're not religious
With no god I am hopeless
Put me back together
For I am broken
Now I'm hiding under my blankets like the little kid I am
No one can touch me here
I was fine
Now I'm broken
Now I'm broken
Now I'm broken
Broken
Broken
Hurt and. Oh so
Broken
Falling
Breaking
Crashing
I'm like glass
The pieces just won't go back together seamlessly
I'm just so shattered
Without you
Be a glassblower
Make me a cathedral window
Turn my pain into beauty
You always were such a beautiful artist
You're so beautiful
So hurt
So unbroken
I want to be pulchritudinous
Make me colorful and filled with melancholy joy
Make the sun shine through me and create something truly magnificent
I'm so broken
It's because if you
You
Broke
Me
You broke me
Unbreak
Unbroken
Glass
Cathedral
Window
Let them see
But you're not religious
With no god I am hopeless
Put me back together
For I am broken
Falling
If I fall to my knees and kiss your feet
If I cry beg and plea
Will you look at me?
Please forgive me
I didn't mean to soak your shoes but these tears have no desire to cease
I'm looking for metaphors and imagery
Anything to ch everyone's senses to explain why I've lost my mind
I'm trying so hard to keep it simple
It's hard to find pretty words to describe such a darkness my heart has become
Laughing is so difficult
Smiling has become impossible too
They say without sleep I'll become depressed
My nights are filled with tossing, turning and thoughts of you
The dreams started of us together and turned to nightmares of you loving her
I wake so much I never feel rested
I'm a souless body
A mindless zombie
So numb from allthe pain
I'm walking through and imitating how everyone acts
Trying so hard to fit in
Everyone gets so angry because I have no gleeful tidbits to add in
Nothing positive to say
Ive been thrown down so many times
It's hard to speak
I hit the the floor and bite my tongue
They broke my teeth to stitch it together
I simply can not speak
I can not think
I can not be
So I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm so damn unhappy
I'm sorry if I ruined us
I'm sorry to the friends who are sick of my bullshit
But screw you all
I shouldn't have to apologize for being half dead
Come back just come back
Without you
Who the hell is gonna save me and stand up to fight for me
There is no one since you're gone
If I cry beg and plea
Will you look at me?
Please forgive me
I didn't mean to soak your shoes but these tears have no desire to cease
I'm looking for metaphors and imagery
Anything to ch everyone's senses to explain why I've lost my mind
I'm trying so hard to keep it simple
It's hard to find pretty words to describe such a darkness my heart has become
Laughing is so difficult
Smiling has become impossible too
They say without sleep I'll become depressed
My nights are filled with tossing, turning and thoughts of you
The dreams started of us together and turned to nightmares of you loving her
I wake so much I never feel rested
I'm a souless body
A mindless zombie
So numb from allthe pain
I'm walking through and imitating how everyone acts
Trying so hard to fit in
Everyone gets so angry because I have no gleeful tidbits to add in
Nothing positive to say
Ive been thrown down so many times
It's hard to speak
I hit the the floor and bite my tongue
They broke my teeth to stitch it together
I simply can not speak
I can not think
I can not be
So I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm so damn unhappy
I'm sorry if I ruined us
I'm sorry to the friends who are sick of my bullshit
But screw you all
I shouldn't have to apologize for being half dead
Come back just come back
Without you
Who the hell is gonna save me and stand up to fight for me
There is no one since you're gone
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Limit Does Not Exist
I wish the answers in life were as simple as 3.14
I wish I could just find what I want with sine
I am point (0,1) my tangent is undefined
Like pi I am infinite
Impossible to determine
People try to memorize but can't get past 159
I am simple confusion that connects cosecant to cosine
Be my cotangent I'll be your tangent
Never shall we be sine
Never shall we be associated wrong
We will be communitive property
Switch our order, but we always come out together
I'm a line with a negative slope of 1
Be my origin for my only point lands at (0,0)
You'll be positive and I'll be zero
Well never come out negative, together will always be right
I'm tired of our parallel, stop trying to multiply your love
Don't divide others, subtract your doubt and just add some of me
We'll rest easy
I'm a parabola, you're my shaded region
Only you're points are correct in my equation
Baby don't be arsenic and sulfur
Let's balance this equation
Come on my barium, my berillyium
You're giving me hydrogen, oxygen and phosphorous with no E
If you're a circle, I'm your circumference
You and I, we're so similar, close to congruent
We're just 2 reference angles at 30 degrees
No more cosine of (0,1)
No more 0
Only you, balance my equation
Because baby, the limit does not exist
I wish I could just find what I want with sine
I am point (0,1) my tangent is undefined
Like pi I am infinite
Impossible to determine
People try to memorize but can't get past 159
I am simple confusion that connects cosecant to cosine
Be my cotangent I'll be your tangent
Never shall we be sine
Never shall we be associated wrong
We will be communitive property
Switch our order, but we always come out together
I'm a line with a negative slope of 1
Be my origin for my only point lands at (0,0)
You'll be positive and I'll be zero
Well never come out negative, together will always be right
I'm tired of our parallel, stop trying to multiply your love
Don't divide others, subtract your doubt and just add some of me
We'll rest easy
I'm a parabola, you're my shaded region
Only you're points are correct in my equation
Baby don't be arsenic and sulfur
Let's balance this equation
Come on my barium, my berillyium
You're giving me hydrogen, oxygen and phosphorous with no E
If you're a circle, I'm your circumference
You and I, we're so similar, close to congruent
We're just 2 reference angles at 30 degrees
No more cosine of (0,1)
No more 0
Only you, balance my equation
Because baby, the limit does not exist
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Addicted
I may no be pretty
I may not be perfect
I'm obnoxious and cold and honest and mean
A true bitch if you'd please
I may not laugh
I may not smile
I'm quiet but loud and angry and violent
I may not be unhappy
I may not be ecstatic
I'm sad and depressed and afraid but I love to laugh
You may be my drug
You may be my ecstasy
You keep me happy and jubilant and in euphoria
Just a state i have no desire to leave
I lie each day saying I don't do drugs
Because I'm high on life
I'm huffing memories of you
And smoking my love
I'm snorting this need for your happiness
And popping the pills that will keep your image alive
I'm killing myself with this addiction
I can't live with you
But I swear without you I will cease this god forsaken existence
I'm no addict I promise
There is no denial here
Just leave me broken in this room
Let me get blazed on the idea of seeing you
Let me be in my mind that has gone somewhere else in this world
I'm downing shots to keep you alive
I'm lost in my need
I yearn for my dealer
But that bastards been arrested
You dumped me here
I'm trying to detox
But baby
Baby
Baby
Just come back and be my supplier
I can't live like this
I justcan not exist with this reliance on you and you and not me
I can not live
I may not be perfect
I'm obnoxious and cold and honest and mean
A true bitch if you'd please
I may not laugh
I may not smile
I'm quiet but loud and angry and violent
I may not be unhappy
I may not be ecstatic
I'm sad and depressed and afraid but I love to laugh
You may be my drug
You may be my ecstasy
You keep me happy and jubilant and in euphoria
Just a state i have no desire to leave
I lie each day saying I don't do drugs
Because I'm high on life
I'm huffing memories of you
And smoking my love
I'm snorting this need for your happiness
And popping the pills that will keep your image alive
I'm killing myself with this addiction
I can't live with you
But I swear without you I will cease this god forsaken existence
I'm no addict I promise
There is no denial here
Just leave me broken in this room
Let me get blazed on the idea of seeing you
Let me be in my mind that has gone somewhere else in this world
I'm downing shots to keep you alive
I'm lost in my need
I yearn for my dealer
But that bastards been arrested
You dumped me here
I'm trying to detox
But baby
Baby
Baby
Just come back and be my supplier
I can't live like this
I justcan not exist with this reliance on you and you and not me
I can not live
Sunday, September 25, 2011
My Old Place
When the world is falling
When gravity is lost
And suddenly the universe is empty
When the stars burn out
When the streets are barren
And suddenly your world is ending
I will be sitting Here
Waiting for you
When you find yourself counting raindrops on your window
And wondering how manyare on mine
When you realize the laughter just isn't as melodical
And the music isn't as tantalizing without my voice
When you find yourself wondering if the world is turning
And hoping I'm not getting motion sick
I will be sitting here
Waiting for you
When the lights burn out
And you're out of candles
When your love for the unknown runs out
And you realize you're alone
Step in through my door
Sign in with my receptionist
Take a seat in my waiting room
You'll be too oblivious to know
The walls are empty
The windows gone
Shell call you back
You'll sit down in the place where we first kissed
And you'll realize
I wont be sitting there waiting
I left my room so long ago
No longer staring out the window
Nor listening for an opened door
No more waiting for you to come home
I'm not the girl you think you know
So please
Take a seat in the room where we fell in love
Listen for my footsteps in the hall
Pray That I will rush into the room and sweep you off your feet
Look around
I have not been here in years
Welcome to my empty heart
Maybe I'll be back soon
When gravity is lost
And suddenly the universe is empty
When the stars burn out
When the streets are barren
And suddenly your world is ending
I will be sitting Here
Waiting for you
When you find yourself counting raindrops on your window
And wondering how manyare on mine
When you realize the laughter just isn't as melodical
And the music isn't as tantalizing without my voice
When you find yourself wondering if the world is turning
And hoping I'm not getting motion sick
I will be sitting here
Waiting for you
When the lights burn out
And you're out of candles
When your love for the unknown runs out
And you realize you're alone
Step in through my door
Sign in with my receptionist
Take a seat in my waiting room
You'll be too oblivious to know
The walls are empty
The windows gone
Shell call you back
You'll sit down in the place where we first kissed
And you'll realize
I wont be sitting there waiting
I left my room so long ago
No longer staring out the window
Nor listening for an opened door
No more waiting for you to come home
I'm not the girl you think you know
So please
Take a seat in the room where we fell in love
Listen for my footsteps in the hall
Pray That I will rush into the room and sweep you off your feet
Look around
I have not been here in years
Welcome to my empty heart
Maybe I'll be back soon
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
In Truth and in Practice
My hands are black and blue from all the reminders I have written
Upon my wrist I keep on saying "hold your head up high"
On my hands, simple things, I once remember but now, can not be bothered to
Sometimes I write things that are really meant for you
Simple things I wish you'd see and silently agree
Please don't forget me, let me be the one, never let go
Did you ever wonder how it feels to die?
Is it nothing?
Blissful peace and eternal slumber but,
I can not stand to sleep alone
At the same time, I can not bear to let anyone near me
You,yet you, were different
I can't forget you, you, you, you...YOU!
Did you know you made me want to live? And breathe?
And dance and sing and just live. Live.
You make the hurt, pain, booboos, fleshwounds, pain, pain
Bearable
I was never embarrassed or afraid to cry
But you, yes you, have rendered me lonely
As I lay awake each night, wishing I could just cry
Or maybe have someone to go to
I realize I have no one
I can't let go of my broken ship, no one, there is no one
Because I don't have you
Upon my wrist I keep on saying "hold your head up high"
On my hands, simple things, I once remember but now, can not be bothered to
Sometimes I write things that are really meant for you
Simple things I wish you'd see and silently agree
Please don't forget me, let me be the one, never let go
Did you ever wonder how it feels to die?
Is it nothing?
Blissful peace and eternal slumber but,
I can not stand to sleep alone
At the same time, I can not bear to let anyone near me
You,yet you, were different
I can't forget you, you, you, you...YOU!
Did you know you made me want to live? And breathe?
And dance and sing and just live. Live.
You make the hurt, pain, booboos, fleshwounds, pain, pain
Bearable
I was never embarrassed or afraid to cry
But you, yes you, have rendered me lonely
As I lay awake each night, wishing I could just cry
Or maybe have someone to go to
I realize I have no one
I can't let go of my broken ship, no one, there is no one
Because I don't have you
Monday, September 12, 2011
A Typical Night Without You
I'm laying here awake in the middle of the night replaying every sad song i own and staring at the ceiling
It's the middle of the night and I can't seem to fall asleep because every time I close my eyes I see your face
Every time i close my eyes I begin to hate myself a little more
I can't seem to find the right words to say how everything seems to have just fallen apart
I picked up the world and slipped causing it all to crash
Now I'm laying here sleepless because the nightmares are eating me alive
Because the lonely never rests
Because I cried a river and even built you a bridge from my tears
Because I'm laying here realizing how pathetic I am
I told you to leave and gave a stupid excuse instead of telling you the truth
You're always on my mind
I just don't matter enough to trust you but I do
I'm so afraid to sleep and more afraid to wake up
I'm avoiding mirrors because I can't stand to see myself
I just took you by the hands and shoved you out the door
I threw you out and gave up all I had and it'll never be okay again
I can never be okay
Now I'm pacing wishing you'd call to ask if it's really what I wanted
If it's really what I needed
If I'm okay
So I can say no
No
No
I want you, I need you, I'm the farthest thing from okay without you
All I ever wanted was for you to be happy even if it meant I had to lie
And that's the truth even if it's without me
Now I'm figuring out the truth hurts mainly when it's tainted with lies
Lies can't protect when they're laced with truth
It's as if I'm on the sweetest high singing to the world and suddenly the lights go out
It's fear at the greatest moments
It's being alone pretending I have all I needto be happy
All I need is me
So I ripped up your photograph
And threw away the roses you bought me
I erased you from my memory
But your face, your laugh, your eyes they haunt me
There is no escape from reality of the situation
Where I'm tip toeing onthe edge of not knowing you and me and losing my identity.
Either way at this point I lose you or me
It's the middle of the night and I can't seem to fall asleep because every time I close my eyes I see your face
Every time i close my eyes I begin to hate myself a little more
I can't seem to find the right words to say how everything seems to have just fallen apart
I picked up the world and slipped causing it all to crash
Now I'm laying here sleepless because the nightmares are eating me alive
Because the lonely never rests
Because I cried a river and even built you a bridge from my tears
Because I'm laying here realizing how pathetic I am
I told you to leave and gave a stupid excuse instead of telling you the truth
You're always on my mind
I just don't matter enough to trust you but I do
I'm so afraid to sleep and more afraid to wake up
I'm avoiding mirrors because I can't stand to see myself
I just took you by the hands and shoved you out the door
I threw you out and gave up all I had and it'll never be okay again
I can never be okay
Now I'm pacing wishing you'd call to ask if it's really what I wanted
If it's really what I needed
If I'm okay
So I can say no
No
No
I want you, I need you, I'm the farthest thing from okay without you
All I ever wanted was for you to be happy even if it meant I had to lie
And that's the truth even if it's without me
Now I'm figuring out the truth hurts mainly when it's tainted with lies
Lies can't protect when they're laced with truth
It's as if I'm on the sweetest high singing to the world and suddenly the lights go out
It's fear at the greatest moments
It's being alone pretending I have all I needto be happy
All I need is me
So I ripped up your photograph
And threw away the roses you bought me
I erased you from my memory
But your face, your laugh, your eyes they haunt me
There is no escape from reality of the situation
Where I'm tip toeing onthe edge of not knowing you and me and losing my identity.
Either way at this point I lose you or me
Simple Fear
There are holes in your plan
Gaping oceans swallowing your dreams whole
You keep tryin to thaw my frozen tundra of a heart
I'm telling you
You're on a one way street to frost bite
I know you'll just call me a pessismist
That may be true or maybe I'm just a realist
With an idealists hopes
And an optimists dreams
But every word I speak comes out wrong
Every step is taken in fear
Because I'm so afraid to want something I truly can't have
I'm terrified that I'll get in to deep
And you'll realize living with me is like living in Antarctica
Cold and lonely
Freezing tendrils constantly holding you
Day and night until you can not take no more
Right when weather warms you leave
Causig me to fall into the worst blizzard
There are holes in your plan
I do not own myself
I am a slave with no say
Because I don't know what's "best for me"
You're backing yourself into a corner
And talking in circles
Listen to my words
For the first time in my life
I just need someone to hear me
I have no control
None of this is what I want
I want a fairytale ending
With freedom doing what I love
With who I love
Where I love
But what is love?
Simple manic euphoria
Laced drugs
An experiment gone wrong
Speeding your heart beat
Causing sweaty palms
And tongue tied nervousness
Once again
Another thing to have no power to change
I wish someone would hear me
I'm not ready to be an open book
With my heart on ny sleeve
This isn't fair to anyone
Not even me
But please listen when I say
Simply truly plainly tell you
I'm not ready for someone tohold my heart
And not be afraid to squeeze
Tear apart veins and arteries
Never hesitating take the next step
As if forever really exists
Trying to cut open the beat with every tool handy
Teeth nails fingers
Anything to pry into my world
As I'm out cold on the table
Sedated by your smile
As if it's all just a game
How can I know you'll put it back safely
Not just drop me and walk open
Open chest
Organs slipping all around
Trying to pick up all the pieces
Suddenly my heart is a stained glass window
And anyone can see through
Too tired to secure it
So wasted and out if energy
What if. What if I just told you the truth
I am petrified.
Gaping oceans swallowing your dreams whole
You keep tryin to thaw my frozen tundra of a heart
I'm telling you
You're on a one way street to frost bite
I know you'll just call me a pessismist
That may be true or maybe I'm just a realist
With an idealists hopes
And an optimists dreams
But every word I speak comes out wrong
Every step is taken in fear
Because I'm so afraid to want something I truly can't have
I'm terrified that I'll get in to deep
And you'll realize living with me is like living in Antarctica
Cold and lonely
Freezing tendrils constantly holding you
Day and night until you can not take no more
Right when weather warms you leave
Causig me to fall into the worst blizzard
There are holes in your plan
I do not own myself
I am a slave with no say
Because I don't know what's "best for me"
You're backing yourself into a corner
And talking in circles
Listen to my words
For the first time in my life
I just need someone to hear me
I have no control
None of this is what I want
I want a fairytale ending
With freedom doing what I love
With who I love
Where I love
But what is love?
Simple manic euphoria
Laced drugs
An experiment gone wrong
Speeding your heart beat
Causing sweaty palms
And tongue tied nervousness
Once again
Another thing to have no power to change
I wish someone would hear me
I'm not ready to be an open book
With my heart on ny sleeve
This isn't fair to anyone
Not even me
But please listen when I say
Simply truly plainly tell you
I'm not ready for someone tohold my heart
And not be afraid to squeeze
Tear apart veins and arteries
Never hesitating take the next step
As if forever really exists
Trying to cut open the beat with every tool handy
Teeth nails fingers
Anything to pry into my world
As I'm out cold on the table
Sedated by your smile
As if it's all just a game
How can I know you'll put it back safely
Not just drop me and walk open
Open chest
Organs slipping all around
Trying to pick up all the pieces
Suddenly my heart is a stained glass window
And anyone can see through
Too tired to secure it
So wasted and out if energy
What if. What if I just told you the truth
I am petrified.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
If Living Was Ideal
I don't want to read another word about how lonely I am
I don't want to hear another song telling me how broken I am
I don't want another person to tell me how stupid I am
I know I'm lonely
I know I don't want to eat anything, because what if it's sweet and tastes like our lips
I read all these poems and laughed because I had love and they didn't apply to me
I had a hand to hold
Noww, everywhere I go
I just want to cry, but I can't
I want to let everything go
I'm so sick of keeping my emotions and anger in
Don't ask me if I'm okay
Would you be okay if you had no voice?
Dammit, no I am not fine!
I lost the only love worth fighting for
I lost a will t push me through
"There are plenty of fish in the sea"
What the hell do you mean?
I lost myself, so I should go fishing?
How is that going to help me?
Will ingesting said fish make me beautiful?
Will it make me not only own the world, but love it too?
Will it make me question sitting back and help me take a stand?
"Time heals all pain"
Okay, so I should sit down and wait
By simply allowing time to pass, 15 years of hurt will disappear
If I just wait, suddenly every time I see my scars, I won't have a sick twisted smile on my face
Suddenly, out of thin air, I will be fine
There's not catch 22, no pain ever again
It will all heal
"Everything happens for a reason"
I can't stand physical contact
I let people treat me like nothing at all
I lose myself
I look in a mirror and don't recognize the girl staring back at me
Tell me, what's the reason?
Is this all going to make me president some day?
Or am I wrong and will I remain nothing as I am?
They say you don't need anything, you want it
Well I don't want to live and I don't need it
So why?
I don't want to love anyone and I don't want to
So why?
I don't want to do everything you say
I don't want to jump through hoops for anyone
I don't want to let them win
I don't want to be told I'm stupid and everything is my fault, his fault, her fault, their fault!
No it's not, it's yours.
I don't need anything or want anything
I should be enlightened not fighting a war inside myself
I shouldn't be afraid to speak
But that would mean words spoken were try and that everybody doesn't lie
Of course that can't be true
So what?
Who's going to tell us how to live?
Because I'm sure, like everyone else, I am damn confused
Well, maybe after I get back from fishing and wait
I'll be less broken about losing myself
Then suddenly, I'll "choose" to be happy and need nothing
Afterward, we'll all live happily ever after with prince charming in a beautiful castle
Because according to the sane
these thoughts will keep me sane
If knowing that all of this is a sick twisted game makes me a lunatic
Then, I'm fine with a few lost marbles
I'm content being a bit mad and bonkers
If being sane just means believing lies
I'd prefer to cry and scream
Let me tell you a secret
I need love
I hate fish
I can't sit still while time passes
I am not okay
But that's just honesty
I mean I don't lie
I'm only human
I don't want to hear another song telling me how broken I am
I don't want another person to tell me how stupid I am
I know I'm lonely
I know I don't want to eat anything, because what if it's sweet and tastes like our lips
I read all these poems and laughed because I had love and they didn't apply to me
I had a hand to hold
Noww, everywhere I go
I just want to cry, but I can't
I want to let everything go
I'm so sick of keeping my emotions and anger in
Don't ask me if I'm okay
Would you be okay if you had no voice?
Dammit, no I am not fine!
I lost the only love worth fighting for
I lost a will t push me through
"There are plenty of fish in the sea"
What the hell do you mean?
I lost myself, so I should go fishing?
How is that going to help me?
Will ingesting said fish make me beautiful?
Will it make me not only own the world, but love it too?
Will it make me question sitting back and help me take a stand?
"Time heals all pain"
Okay, so I should sit down and wait
By simply allowing time to pass, 15 years of hurt will disappear
If I just wait, suddenly every time I see my scars, I won't have a sick twisted smile on my face
Suddenly, out of thin air, I will be fine
There's not catch 22, no pain ever again
It will all heal
"Everything happens for a reason"
I can't stand physical contact
I let people treat me like nothing at all
I lose myself
I look in a mirror and don't recognize the girl staring back at me
Tell me, what's the reason?
Is this all going to make me president some day?
Or am I wrong and will I remain nothing as I am?
They say you don't need anything, you want it
Well I don't want to live and I don't need it
So why?
I don't want to love anyone and I don't want to
So why?
I don't want to do everything you say
I don't want to jump through hoops for anyone
I don't want to let them win
I don't want to be told I'm stupid and everything is my fault, his fault, her fault, their fault!
No it's not, it's yours.
I don't need anything or want anything
I should be enlightened not fighting a war inside myself
I shouldn't be afraid to speak
But that would mean words spoken were try and that everybody doesn't lie
Of course that can't be true
So what?
Who's going to tell us how to live?
Because I'm sure, like everyone else, I am damn confused
Well, maybe after I get back from fishing and wait
I'll be less broken about losing myself
Then suddenly, I'll "choose" to be happy and need nothing
Afterward, we'll all live happily ever after with prince charming in a beautiful castle
Because according to the sane
these thoughts will keep me sane
If knowing that all of this is a sick twisted game makes me a lunatic
Then, I'm fine with a few lost marbles
I'm content being a bit mad and bonkers
If being sane just means believing lies
I'd prefer to cry and scream
Let me tell you a secret
I need love
I hate fish
I can't sit still while time passes
I am not okay
But that's just honesty
I mean I don't lie
I'm only human
Friday, August 12, 2011
Dreaming
This morning as I fell asleep for the second time
I had a dream that broke my heart because it was everything that went wrong
As we laid there I kept hoping you'd pull me close
After wishing and dreaming, with your eyes closed you pulled me in
We laid there like that just you and me and slowly I started to goof around
I made jokes and teased
I laughed and smiled
But, all you did was push me away
I begged to be brought back in, saying I was sorry, promising to be good
So for five seconds i was back, nuzzling your neck, not a worry in the world
When you opened your eyes, you had your own demise to create
You stood up and walked away while I sat and stared dumbly at the space where you once stayed
I waited until you came back and looked over my head
Oh, how I wanted to stand up and hold you
But I woke up and started to cry, because I never had the chance for a new ending
I never got my smile and love returned
So I tried so hard to create an end, but nothing could bring you back to me
I knew what I had, I just never thought it could be gone
One moment we're breathing, the next we're heaving
Soon everything is ending
And there's no where to go
Each day is a gift, whether the sun shines, or storms come
My moments with you were filled with bliss
Even if I could do it again, I don't think I'd be able to
The memories make me feel less alone
But, its time to on on
I'm going to my true love
And living with no regrets
I had a dream that broke my heart because it was everything that went wrong
As we laid there I kept hoping you'd pull me close
After wishing and dreaming, with your eyes closed you pulled me in
We laid there like that just you and me and slowly I started to goof around
I made jokes and teased
I laughed and smiled
But, all you did was push me away
I begged to be brought back in, saying I was sorry, promising to be good
So for five seconds i was back, nuzzling your neck, not a worry in the world
When you opened your eyes, you had your own demise to create
You stood up and walked away while I sat and stared dumbly at the space where you once stayed
I waited until you came back and looked over my head
Oh, how I wanted to stand up and hold you
But I woke up and started to cry, because I never had the chance for a new ending
I never got my smile and love returned
So I tried so hard to create an end, but nothing could bring you back to me
I knew what I had, I just never thought it could be gone
One moment we're breathing, the next we're heaving
Soon everything is ending
And there's no where to go
Each day is a gift, whether the sun shines, or storms come
My moments with you were filled with bliss
Even if I could do it again, I don't think I'd be able to
The memories make me feel less alone
But, its time to on on
I'm going to my true love
And living with no regrets
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
It's About
We're all a little different
We see the world through our own eyes
Eyes that only one person has
When we speak, we push out words that hurt differently
Some of us fall apart quietly and alone
Some of us refuse the heart break and fight back
Some of us realize a little too late that we should have fought
The time we have for us all slips through our fingers like sand
Only a few pieces stick but the rest fall, impossible to get back
Life isn't like a beach, or war or a football game
Life isn't living of dying
Life isn't even life
For everyone it's so different, that my extreme is your nothing
But every life is filled with empty lonely moments
We all break even if we don't realize it
For every life there is love, loss, anger and pain
Some of us get angry at love for causing us pain and we get lost
Some of us love the pain that gets us lost and fight the anger
I used to truly believe life and love were a war
You have to right to have the upper hand
But after spending so many nights with no one to turn to I see
There is no fight, no person worth dying for
Love is not always kind, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Life and love are not about beating someone until they break
It's about beating yourself until you can open up and be free
It's about looking past your problems and theirs
It's looking into their eyes and seeing there is no one like them
It's about looking in your own face with not one trace of disgust
Because only then, can they
They're about who we find that being there for them
Is as easy as them being there for you
It's a 2-way street that only gets built once in a lifetime
But lasts past death
It's the one person you'll turn Hell over to find when you both die
It's when you'll give up Heaven and God and everything you believe in
To suffer an eternity with them
Rather than love happily ever after without them
It's when you'll break and fight for them, but you'll never have to
It's about when you pick up and leave
They'll follow you across the world
You won't even have to ask
And when they leave you, you'll hold on, get on your knees and push past every insecurity to love them
But they'll get below you and say you didn't have to ask
Just don't forget to show you care, even if it's only in your eyes
All I learned about life and love is I should have never let go
Because it's all I'll ever have
Now it's too late to fix anything
And starting anew is difficult
From now on everyone should know
Life and love are all about the effort
No matter how much it feels like it doesn't effect anything
even if it hurts
It's always worth the shot
Regret going for it rather than missing it
Every mistake is a lesson well learned
No one remembers the person who said what if
It's the person who messed up
That no one forgets
We see the world through our own eyes
Eyes that only one person has
When we speak, we push out words that hurt differently
Some of us fall apart quietly and alone
Some of us refuse the heart break and fight back
Some of us realize a little too late that we should have fought
The time we have for us all slips through our fingers like sand
Only a few pieces stick but the rest fall, impossible to get back
Life isn't like a beach, or war or a football game
Life isn't living of dying
Life isn't even life
For everyone it's so different, that my extreme is your nothing
But every life is filled with empty lonely moments
We all break even if we don't realize it
For every life there is love, loss, anger and pain
Some of us get angry at love for causing us pain and we get lost
Some of us love the pain that gets us lost and fight the anger
I used to truly believe life and love were a war
You have to right to have the upper hand
But after spending so many nights with no one to turn to I see
There is no fight, no person worth dying for
Love is not always kind, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Life and love are not about beating someone until they break
It's about beating yourself until you can open up and be free
It's about looking past your problems and theirs
It's looking into their eyes and seeing there is no one like them
It's about looking in your own face with not one trace of disgust
Because only then, can they
They're about who we find that being there for them
Is as easy as them being there for you
It's a 2-way street that only gets built once in a lifetime
But lasts past death
It's the one person you'll turn Hell over to find when you both die
It's when you'll give up Heaven and God and everything you believe in
To suffer an eternity with them
Rather than love happily ever after without them
It's when you'll break and fight for them, but you'll never have to
It's about when you pick up and leave
They'll follow you across the world
You won't even have to ask
And when they leave you, you'll hold on, get on your knees and push past every insecurity to love them
But they'll get below you and say you didn't have to ask
Just don't forget to show you care, even if it's only in your eyes
All I learned about life and love is I should have never let go
Because it's all I'll ever have
Now it's too late to fix anything
And starting anew is difficult
From now on everyone should know
Life and love are all about the effort
No matter how much it feels like it doesn't effect anything
even if it hurts
It's always worth the shot
Regret going for it rather than missing it
Every mistake is a lesson well learned
No one remembers the person who said what if
It's the person who messed up
That no one forgets
Slipping
Have you ever felt something slip through your fingers? Slowly, things just seem to fall around you and they're impossible to catch.In a way you feel like a ghost and the words tumbling out of your mouth mean nothing at all. I guess that's what happened to me. I was a ghost of my former self and everything turned to drops of rain slowly falling through my hands. There was nothing anyone could do to stop it.
I was a man. I was 28. I had a dead end job, that brought in good money, but no satisfaction. I had no love or friendship. I wasn't unhappy, I was just bored.
He was 35. He was a man. We worked together and he had it all. He was the company owners son and he was making his way to the top. At every corporate gathering we had he brought his wife. He'd stand there telling stories about yacht rides and late night dinner parties with imported wines. Everyone laughed when he told a joke, no matter how stupid. I laughed with them. His wife would crawl all over him giggling about everything. When someone else said anything she gave them a look as if they were mad. To say the least, she was a bitch. She was 22 and his second wife. He married her soon after his first wife died. I know he was the perfect one because so many people envied him. They would never know.
One night after a party at work, I followed him home. I kept a safe distance so he couldn't see my face. Not that he'd be able to identify me anyway. When he finally pulled into his driveway and went inside, I quickly retrieved my gloves, handkerchief, and gun. I put on the gloves and wiped my gun and bullets clean. Slowly, I pulled myself out of my car and snuck around the back of the house. I tried every window on the back of the house but they were locked, I tried the back door but it too was locked. Now, I was pissed. I grabbed a rock and in one swift motion broke a window on the back door and let myself in. Seconds later I heard harsh whispers, feet falling to the ground and the scraping of a bat on wood floor. I met him in the kitchen and before he could utter one word, I pulled the trigger. I dropped the gun and ran out the front door. Quickly I got in my car and drove away. Now, one day later, I'm wondering how to let them know it was me, but still run free. I called the police and filed a missing persons claim on myself. I told them my address and said I haven't seen him in over a week. They told me they'd be there in an hour. As I'm packing my suitcase, I decide I'm going to France. I get in my car and drive as fast as I can to the airport and get on the first plane out of England.
With my fifth job, I'm in the same place, working with the bosses son, planning where to go.
I was a man. I was 28. I had a dead end job, that brought in good money, but no satisfaction. I had no love or friendship. I wasn't unhappy, I was just bored.
He was 35. He was a man. We worked together and he had it all. He was the company owners son and he was making his way to the top. At every corporate gathering we had he brought his wife. He'd stand there telling stories about yacht rides and late night dinner parties with imported wines. Everyone laughed when he told a joke, no matter how stupid. I laughed with them. His wife would crawl all over him giggling about everything. When someone else said anything she gave them a look as if they were mad. To say the least, she was a bitch. She was 22 and his second wife. He married her soon after his first wife died. I know he was the perfect one because so many people envied him. They would never know.
One night after a party at work, I followed him home. I kept a safe distance so he couldn't see my face. Not that he'd be able to identify me anyway. When he finally pulled into his driveway and went inside, I quickly retrieved my gloves, handkerchief, and gun. I put on the gloves and wiped my gun and bullets clean. Slowly, I pulled myself out of my car and snuck around the back of the house. I tried every window on the back of the house but they were locked, I tried the back door but it too was locked. Now, I was pissed. I grabbed a rock and in one swift motion broke a window on the back door and let myself in. Seconds later I heard harsh whispers, feet falling to the ground and the scraping of a bat on wood floor. I met him in the kitchen and before he could utter one word, I pulled the trigger. I dropped the gun and ran out the front door. Quickly I got in my car and drove away. Now, one day later, I'm wondering how to let them know it was me, but still run free. I called the police and filed a missing persons claim on myself. I told them my address and said I haven't seen him in over a week. They told me they'd be there in an hour. As I'm packing my suitcase, I decide I'm going to France. I get in my car and drive as fast as I can to the airport and get on the first plane out of England.
With my fifth job, I'm in the same place, working with the bosses son, planning where to go.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Relief
Laying on the couch after a day of hard work with your feet propped
It's staring at the stars after a fight with your best friend realizing you didn't mean a word you said
And they forgave you
It's the end that comes after weeks of fighting and constantly giving up
It knocks the wind out of you when you realize these people left and they're not yours to miss
But deep inside you know it's everyones fault not only yours
And that makes it better
After you spend weeks of not sleeping because your mind races and then one day you slip into blissful slumber
After spending your life crying and fighting
It's the moment that comes when you realize everythings pretty okay
It's the hug that comes instead of anger because we all make misakes
And that's okay too
When life slows down a bit after the hustle and bustle and it's your time to choose
It's the moment you realize that this life is yours
You control who comes and goes
You control whats going to happen even if it's directly out of your hands
When youe realize that being selfish isn't a crime and it'll save your life one day
That caring for others is a beautiful art but sometimes you just have to be number one
It's something not many get to experience because we spend our lives screaming inside and sitting around out
Feeling afraid to just jump when they sat sit
Giggle when they say quiet
Stay when they say to leave
Not giving up when everyone says it's over
In reality nothing is ever over and everyday is a new one
It's realizing tomorrow will never come because tomorrow will forever be tomorrow
So it's time to fight today
Life isn't going to suddnely sit in front of you while your holding the paint brush
It's a race, you must chase everything and paint it your own color
It's pure satisfaction as you sip your beer knowing, that you made a difference
Relief is a longing to know that today is not your day to go
It's staring at the stars after a fight with your best friend realizing you didn't mean a word you said
And they forgave you
It's the end that comes after weeks of fighting and constantly giving up
It knocks the wind out of you when you realize these people left and they're not yours to miss
But deep inside you know it's everyones fault not only yours
And that makes it better
After you spend weeks of not sleeping because your mind races and then one day you slip into blissful slumber
After spending your life crying and fighting
It's the moment that comes when you realize everythings pretty okay
It's the hug that comes instead of anger because we all make misakes
And that's okay too
When life slows down a bit after the hustle and bustle and it's your time to choose
It's the moment you realize that this life is yours
You control who comes and goes
You control whats going to happen even if it's directly out of your hands
When youe realize that being selfish isn't a crime and it'll save your life one day
That caring for others is a beautiful art but sometimes you just have to be number one
It's something not many get to experience because we spend our lives screaming inside and sitting around out
Feeling afraid to just jump when they sat sit
Giggle when they say quiet
Stay when they say to leave
Not giving up when everyone says it's over
In reality nothing is ever over and everyday is a new one
It's realizing tomorrow will never come because tomorrow will forever be tomorrow
So it's time to fight today
Life isn't going to suddnely sit in front of you while your holding the paint brush
It's a race, you must chase everything and paint it your own color
It's pure satisfaction as you sip your beer knowing, that you made a difference
Relief is a longing to know that today is not your day to go
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Only Once
She stepped through the heavy wooden doors in one big sweep. When she saw him he was sitting in a pew hands clasped and looking down. He could have passedfor praying if it weren't for the tears dripping down his fingers. She walked to him quickly and held out her slender hands offering him a box with a white bow. When he looked he finally saw her.
She stood before him in white with her wings spread out behind her. Her brown locks hugged her face and reached down her back. She had eyes as bright as the ocean and as blue as the sky that betrayed her and showed her every emotion. But for the first time he saw them empty and cold. There was no trace of the girl, his girl. Gingerly he took the box from her and she quickly disappeared as if he'll had eaten her whole. He sat there staring at the bow and the little tag that read "open me".
He got up and screamed. That's all he could think to do, scream until every man turned in his grave and every womans heart skipped three beats. He screamed until he couldn't take it anymore and he dropped to his knees pleading for sanity. He carefully slipped the bow off the package and lifted the lid. He held his breath and carefully pulled out a glass heart. It fit perfectly into his two hands as if it were meant to be held by only his. Through the red tinted glass he could see a small note inside the heart. He looked at the heart and couldn't believe it. How could she come here? It was his fault. He stared atthe note and began to fill with rage, how the hell was he supported to get the note out? She never was vey smart. So he balanced the heart in one hand and in a swift motion he threw it against the wall. He walked over to the shards of glass and bent over to pick up the note. He quickly picked up all the pieces in his hands and cried over them and cursed under his breath. It was his fault she left.
He always called her his angel. Said she saved his life, he would have leaped off a building that night they met. It was a cold December night and she was an actress. She just finished a Christmas play when they ran into eachother and he accidentally knocked her over. When their eyes met there was nothing. His heart didn't move or warm. She didn't even look twice at him. They were just two strangers but she managed to make him think twice about everything he did that night. She always wished there was something a spark, butterflies anything, anything at All that would have helped her fall in love. But there was nothing. They shared a few remarks, some small talk which led to coffee which led to dinner. Dinner led to talking which in the end brought them to a point where they needed eachother and that was it. No love. No attraction, pure need. One night he left. He told her he needed to find love and happiness and this wasn't it. She told him "once broken apart, can never befixed". Just likethat it was over. She saved his life, he ended everything she ever had.
He couldn't fix the heart. The note was never meant to be read. So he sat and hugged his knees and cried into his slacks. How could he have been so stupid as to not see, it was love, their love just happened to be pure need. But the note was true "Once broken apart, can never be fixed" because she left him for a place where he can never reach.
She stood before him in white with her wings spread out behind her. Her brown locks hugged her face and reached down her back. She had eyes as bright as the ocean and as blue as the sky that betrayed her and showed her every emotion. But for the first time he saw them empty and cold. There was no trace of the girl, his girl. Gingerly he took the box from her and she quickly disappeared as if he'll had eaten her whole. He sat there staring at the bow and the little tag that read "open me".
He got up and screamed. That's all he could think to do, scream until every man turned in his grave and every womans heart skipped three beats. He screamed until he couldn't take it anymore and he dropped to his knees pleading for sanity. He carefully slipped the bow off the package and lifted the lid. He held his breath and carefully pulled out a glass heart. It fit perfectly into his two hands as if it were meant to be held by only his. Through the red tinted glass he could see a small note inside the heart. He looked at the heart and couldn't believe it. How could she come here? It was his fault. He stared atthe note and began to fill with rage, how the hell was he supported to get the note out? She never was vey smart. So he balanced the heart in one hand and in a swift motion he threw it against the wall. He walked over to the shards of glass and bent over to pick up the note. He quickly picked up all the pieces in his hands and cried over them and cursed under his breath. It was his fault she left.
He always called her his angel. Said she saved his life, he would have leaped off a building that night they met. It was a cold December night and she was an actress. She just finished a Christmas play when they ran into eachother and he accidentally knocked her over. When their eyes met there was nothing. His heart didn't move or warm. She didn't even look twice at him. They were just two strangers but she managed to make him think twice about everything he did that night. She always wished there was something a spark, butterflies anything, anything at All that would have helped her fall in love. But there was nothing. They shared a few remarks, some small talk which led to coffee which led to dinner. Dinner led to talking which in the end brought them to a point where they needed eachother and that was it. No love. No attraction, pure need. One night he left. He told her he needed to find love and happiness and this wasn't it. She told him "once broken apart, can never befixed". Just likethat it was over. She saved his life, he ended everything she ever had.
He couldn't fix the heart. The note was never meant to be read. So he sat and hugged his knees and cried into his slacks. How could he have been so stupid as to not see, it was love, their love just happened to be pure need. But the note was true "Once broken apart, can never be fixed" because she left him for a place where he can never reach.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Blisters
I wish it would pour down rain
I wish I had a lighter to set the night on fire
I want to sit under the burning stars and let the flames lick my skin
I want them take over my heart in a way love never could
Let the blistering heat devour me whole
Leaving behind no trace of a young girl
Let the rain wash away the pain from my skin
Clearing all evidence of blood and open wounds
I want to claim a new life and steal the free soul of another
I want to dine on the worlds finest flesh and clearest skies
Open the air because the devils coming through
He's got a new lover
A girl too afraid not to play with the fire
He's holding her hand and kissing her stomach
He's pulling her close claiming her as his
She's to frightened not to play along
Not to laugh maniacally as she steps on the hottest embers, pushing every boundary she ever built
She's too lost in indulgence to realize she's broken every wall she built
She's dropping every mask she's ever wore
No longer hiding the war in her mind, in her life, in her home
Just watch her heart turn to dust with her rotting flesh
Falling in the gutter with the rest, no way to see the stars through the storm
Dropped like the rest
Not even a game for Hell to play
It's gonna be an empty road, a barren night, filled with shattered glass to walk on
It's gonna be a silent room, with no one to hold on to
A lonely hour that will drag out for what feels like forever
Walking alone, regaining all that's been lost
An attempt that failed
Now with no one to help, because nobody cared
Life is a game
One we all must lose
it's like a war on silence
this is the battle
can we give up,fail and continue on with life
there's the lingering regret, like gentle fingers caressing your face
Coaxing you one more to give in to the pain
This is the sword to sword moment
time to push or give no more
Step up and fight, give up with dignity
Or push on no more
Nobody cares about the scars on your wrists or legs
No one will stare when you show the world what your made of
it's the thickest confusion, clogging your throat making it hard to swallow
how do you speak out when your so numb with fear
he's still watching
left you broken, beaten and damned so who to turn to now
Every word, every step is a puzzle
Put it together, to move on and slay every army
swim across every ocean to reach home
Home is where the heart is left behind
Even burned and turned to ash it still stays behind
Blistering in the heat
Waiting in the devils hands
He is waiting for his winning bride
She who kills the most and steals her own life, is the one he wants
She just wants him forever, but hell has stolen her heart
I wish I had a lighter to set the night on fire
I want to sit under the burning stars and let the flames lick my skin
I want them take over my heart in a way love never could
Let the blistering heat devour me whole
Leaving behind no trace of a young girl
Let the rain wash away the pain from my skin
Clearing all evidence of blood and open wounds
I want to claim a new life and steal the free soul of another
I want to dine on the worlds finest flesh and clearest skies
Open the air because the devils coming through
He's got a new lover
A girl too afraid not to play with the fire
He's holding her hand and kissing her stomach
He's pulling her close claiming her as his
She's to frightened not to play along
Not to laugh maniacally as she steps on the hottest embers, pushing every boundary she ever built
She's too lost in indulgence to realize she's broken every wall she built
She's dropping every mask she's ever wore
No longer hiding the war in her mind, in her life, in her home
Just watch her heart turn to dust with her rotting flesh
Falling in the gutter with the rest, no way to see the stars through the storm
Dropped like the rest
Not even a game for Hell to play
It's gonna be an empty road, a barren night, filled with shattered glass to walk on
It's gonna be a silent room, with no one to hold on to
A lonely hour that will drag out for what feels like forever
Walking alone, regaining all that's been lost
An attempt that failed
Now with no one to help, because nobody cared
Life is a game
One we all must lose
it's like a war on silence
this is the battle
can we give up,fail and continue on with life
there's the lingering regret, like gentle fingers caressing your face
Coaxing you one more to give in to the pain
This is the sword to sword moment
time to push or give no more
Step up and fight, give up with dignity
Or push on no more
Nobody cares about the scars on your wrists or legs
No one will stare when you show the world what your made of
it's the thickest confusion, clogging your throat making it hard to swallow
how do you speak out when your so numb with fear
he's still watching
left you broken, beaten and damned so who to turn to now
Every word, every step is a puzzle
Put it together, to move on and slay every army
swim across every ocean to reach home
Home is where the heart is left behind
Even burned and turned to ash it still stays behind
Blistering in the heat
Waiting in the devils hands
He is waiting for his winning bride
She who kills the most and steals her own life, is the one he wants
She just wants him forever, but hell has stolen her heart
Welcome to Prison
This world is a prison
With guards posted at every door
A warden to bribe to see how far you can go
Shackles holding us down
Fear holding our words back as we choke on our broken pride
Theres a fight on every corner
Guns pointed at everyones head
Threatening make one wrong move and it's all over
Everyone relies on eachother to slip up
Everyone controls eachother
It's just become a game
Who can feed the most guards from their hand and send them out to do their bidding
Sitting in the cafeteria where you can't even pretend
The walls smell like piss and the food tastes like shit
You know the guy next to you just spit in your food
But what are you gonna do?
He owns more businesses than you
In prison there are billboards
Forcing everyone to buy buy buy
There are lights on in the hall
You see them from your cell
Trying to listen
But allyou hear is "how can we make the losers buy
How can we make the losers eat out of our hands
How can we make the scum on the heel of our shoes eat out of the palms of our hands"
How
How
How
How can we control the whole damn world
We've gotthem all locked in
Theres no place to run to
There's no place to hide
Wherever you go
They're gonna get ya
Knife fights at every step
Avoiding punches not meant for you but still bite at you lip just as if they were
Blacking out because there's no escape
No matter where you go
They're gonna getchya
Look around and realize
Were all in alkatraz
And you
You my sir
Have a life sentence
With guards posted at every door
A warden to bribe to see how far you can go
Shackles holding us down
Fear holding our words back as we choke on our broken pride
Theres a fight on every corner
Guns pointed at everyones head
Threatening make one wrong move and it's all over
Everyone relies on eachother to slip up
Everyone controls eachother
It's just become a game
Who can feed the most guards from their hand and send them out to do their bidding
Sitting in the cafeteria where you can't even pretend
The walls smell like piss and the food tastes like shit
You know the guy next to you just spit in your food
But what are you gonna do?
He owns more businesses than you
In prison there are billboards
Forcing everyone to buy buy buy
There are lights on in the hall
You see them from your cell
Trying to listen
But allyou hear is "how can we make the losers buy
How can we make the losers eat out of our hands
How can we make the scum on the heel of our shoes eat out of the palms of our hands"
How
How
How
How can we control the whole damn world
We've gotthem all locked in
Theres no place to run to
There's no place to hide
Wherever you go
They're gonna get ya
Knife fights at every step
Avoiding punches not meant for you but still bite at you lip just as if they were
Blacking out because there's no escape
No matter where you go
They're gonna getchya
Look around and realize
Were all in alkatraz
And you
You my sir
Have a life sentence
Dancing Away
I spent 6 hours on the brink of insanity
I spent 24 hours without any caffeine
I spent a week without my usual dosage of caffeine
I couldn't remember the last time I slept through the night
The last time I didn't have a night terror
The last time I woke up feeling less tired than when I passed out
A natural remedy mothers use for troublesome
Nonsleeping kids is warm milk
I'm lactose intolerant.
I walked the streets of new York
Wondering why the hell everything smelled of piss
When construction ever stopped
I stumbled in a sleepless stupor
If I live in a city
I could finally feed my natural nocturnal
I could forget the insomnia and risk being stabbed everytime I stepped from my door
How could people wish forthat?
I always wanted to perform
Dance
Sing
Act
I could dance to my death
In front of a train at rush hour when the crowd would be fiesty
I would lick up their anticipation as if it were as simple as licking up the sweat pouring down their faces
I would touch every hand of every pursuitor
And wish them luck
I would smoke my last cigarette with all eyes on me
It would be like liquorish sweet yet the most disgusting thing
I would feel the tar build up in my lungs and welcome the bloody coughs that are an obvious sign of working too damn hard
I would slip on my ballet shoes
And fly free
Ladies and gentlemen for my last trick of the evening
I will do a simple sashee step leap
Maybe I'll be the only one who hears the train
The only one who knows this girl is going out with a bang
A bang of her skull pushed on steel railroad tracks
Who could ever want this
If I lived in a big city
If these streets weren't made of red hot embers
Blistering my feet
If my shoes were made of real leather
And I could afford to breath
If I weren't afraid to take a different stranger by the hand every night and lead them into a stunning tango
And that man with no home would stop screaming and watch
And those guys spraypainting would stop and watch
And everyone yelling and fighting would stop and watch
If I weren't afraid to chase a dream
I spent 6 hours on the brink of insanity
I guess well never know where my marbles did fall
I spent 24 hours without any caffeine
I spent a week without my usual dosage of caffeine
I couldn't remember the last time I slept through the night
The last time I didn't have a night terror
The last time I woke up feeling less tired than when I passed out
A natural remedy mothers use for troublesome
Nonsleeping kids is warm milk
I'm lactose intolerant.
I walked the streets of new York
Wondering why the hell everything smelled of piss
When construction ever stopped
I stumbled in a sleepless stupor
If I live in a city
I could finally feed my natural nocturnal
I could forget the insomnia and risk being stabbed everytime I stepped from my door
How could people wish forthat?
I always wanted to perform
Dance
Sing
Act
I could dance to my death
In front of a train at rush hour when the crowd would be fiesty
I would lick up their anticipation as if it were as simple as licking up the sweat pouring down their faces
I would touch every hand of every pursuitor
And wish them luck
I would smoke my last cigarette with all eyes on me
It would be like liquorish sweet yet the most disgusting thing
I would feel the tar build up in my lungs and welcome the bloody coughs that are an obvious sign of working too damn hard
I would slip on my ballet shoes
And fly free
Ladies and gentlemen for my last trick of the evening
I will do a simple sashee step leap
Maybe I'll be the only one who hears the train
The only one who knows this girl is going out with a bang
A bang of her skull pushed on steel railroad tracks
Who could ever want this
If I lived in a big city
If these streets weren't made of red hot embers
Blistering my feet
If my shoes were made of real leather
And I could afford to breath
If I weren't afraid to take a different stranger by the hand every night and lead them into a stunning tango
And that man with no home would stop screaming and watch
And those guys spraypainting would stop and watch
And everyone yelling and fighting would stop and watch
If I weren't afraid to chase a dream
I spent 6 hours on the brink of insanity
I guess well never know where my marbles did fall
Friday, July 8, 2011
The Art of Missing You
Time stands still when you're not around
Time stands still and I end up sitting here biting my lip until I taste blood
I can hear the clock tick even though it's digital
I'm standing on the ledge of sanity waiting, hoping, wondering when I'll see you again
Will anything ever be the same?
I can't remember the last time I slept
Even when I'm asleep I'm just so awake that I wake up more tired than I was before
I can't help but tell the truth to everyone I see
I'm going away for a little while because there's an angry mob chasing me
They want my soul
Apparently truth hurts
I guess this is called waiting
It's 4am and I'm sitting here fully aware you're asleep because everything is easy for you
You laugh
You smile
You live
Without me
I guess this is called being lonely
When no one will call me but I'm too afraid to call anyone
I'm to afraid to write
I feel so helpless and anything can hurt me
So I get angry
I'm pushing everyone away because truth is I'm frightened
I guess this is called insomnia
I can't sleep because every time I close my eyes I see you and to be honest I cry
So I just lie there staring at the ceiling wishing the phone would ring or I'd hear a pebble at my window
I lay awake hoping for some cliche to come around and put me to rest
I wonder if you're thinking about me and realize your not because your sound asleep
Time passes so quickly for you while I lie here counting agonizing seconds
I guess this is called confusion
I think you're what I want but maybe I'm just fooling myself
I tore down every picture from my wall
I threw away everything with any meaning
I don't want to remember what I had only what I have and none of this is me
No one is me
Who can be?
I think this ones depression
Lonely
Sleepless
Scared
Crying
I may not be a psychologist but maybe we've all lost our minds
Or maybe I'm normal and you all belong in an asylum
Maybe it's late again and I'm crying because everything is an excuse to talk to you
I'm yelling because I'm scared and I want to hear you love me
Someone has to
Can't it be you
I'm the only person who cares anymore
So I pushed away compassion and said fuck the world
Now I stay up all night fighting with my happiness
I guess I've leaped off the edge
Or maybe not I mean you are keeping me alive
But sometimes it's hard to sing and dance and smile
I like excuses
I enjoy avoiding the fact that I can't stop eating every sweet thing I see hoping i can find something that tastes like you're lips
Like Your sweet skin
Every where I go I smell you and call but you're no where
They help me hear your voice
If only you'd call because I know I'd sleep to your numbing love
I guess they're helping me avoid admitting that i miss you
well, the secrets out
i am helpless and i am weak
I need your lulling touch to breath
your breath on my neck when we hug
the only heaven I know when you smile my way
One more sleepless night as I fall apart
I guess I'm not as numb as I believed
I guess denial doesn't always work
but admitting doesn't make me any less alone
Time stands still and I end up sitting here biting my lip until I taste blood
I can hear the clock tick even though it's digital
I'm standing on the ledge of sanity waiting, hoping, wondering when I'll see you again
Will anything ever be the same?
I can't remember the last time I slept
Even when I'm asleep I'm just so awake that I wake up more tired than I was before
I can't help but tell the truth to everyone I see
I'm going away for a little while because there's an angry mob chasing me
They want my soul
Apparently truth hurts
I guess this is called waiting
It's 4am and I'm sitting here fully aware you're asleep because everything is easy for you
You laugh
You smile
You live
Without me
I guess this is called being lonely
When no one will call me but I'm too afraid to call anyone
I'm to afraid to write
I feel so helpless and anything can hurt me
So I get angry
I'm pushing everyone away because truth is I'm frightened
I guess this is called insomnia
I can't sleep because every time I close my eyes I see you and to be honest I cry
So I just lie there staring at the ceiling wishing the phone would ring or I'd hear a pebble at my window
I lay awake hoping for some cliche to come around and put me to rest
I wonder if you're thinking about me and realize your not because your sound asleep
Time passes so quickly for you while I lie here counting agonizing seconds
I guess this is called confusion
I think you're what I want but maybe I'm just fooling myself
I tore down every picture from my wall
I threw away everything with any meaning
I don't want to remember what I had only what I have and none of this is me
No one is me
Who can be?
I think this ones depression
Lonely
Sleepless
Scared
Crying
I may not be a psychologist but maybe we've all lost our minds
Or maybe I'm normal and you all belong in an asylum
Maybe it's late again and I'm crying because everything is an excuse to talk to you
I'm yelling because I'm scared and I want to hear you love me
Someone has to
Can't it be you
I'm the only person who cares anymore
So I pushed away compassion and said fuck the world
Now I stay up all night fighting with my happiness
I guess I've leaped off the edge
Or maybe not I mean you are keeping me alive
But sometimes it's hard to sing and dance and smile
I like excuses
I enjoy avoiding the fact that I can't stop eating every sweet thing I see hoping i can find something that tastes like you're lips
Like Your sweet skin
Every where I go I smell you and call but you're no where
They help me hear your voice
If only you'd call because I know I'd sleep to your numbing love
I guess they're helping me avoid admitting that i miss you
well, the secrets out
i am helpless and i am weak
I need your lulling touch to breath
your breath on my neck when we hug
the only heaven I know when you smile my way
One more sleepless night as I fall apart
I guess I'm not as numb as I believed
I guess denial doesn't always work
but admitting doesn't make me any less alone
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Playing With Revenge
It was a cold, black, silent night. It was midnight when I heard him walk in the front door stumbling and tumbling about. I could already hear the anger in his footsteps and I knew once again my insomnia was going to fuck me over. I laid there and refused to move so he'd leave me be. I listened intently as my mother came out of the room. Her anger seeped under the door and choked me. Living at home was like living in a fire, the smoke burned your eyes and throat but everything around has collapsed so there's no way to get out.
Only 5 minutes into their argument I could tell tonight was different from others. There wasn't any shouting. He didn't even hit her. It was dead silent in the house, and I, for the first time in my life, I was scared. I could only hear his steps, his steady breathing. I could only smell him, the filth, the booze, the selfish attitude. I creeped out of bed and quietly opened my door. I listened for any sign of my mother and slowly I began to realize, I would never see her again. She was gone. She left me here with the monster she allowed to grow, in a shitty household filled with mold and insects crawling all over the walls. In a building filled with cigarette smoke and the smell of trash. I was mad. No I was furious. I was feeling monstrous. They always told me I had my fathers temper, well tonight, I was going to prove them right. I waited, I sat there in the hall by my door and waited until I heard him snoring steadily. The moment I realized he was knocked out, I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the largest knife in the kitchen and the pistol he always kept “just in case”.
When he woke up, he was tied up sitting in a wooden kitchen chair in a shower covered in mildew. The curtain was torn and the bath was so filthy it appeared to be almost black. In the low light he saw her. The young girl with an angelic face. She had skin as pale as sugar cubes, that looked just as sweet, so flawless and pure. Her hair looked like sand, the curls bounced with such ease. Her eyes were an emerald green that pierced his very soul.
Before him stood his daughter. He never actually looked at her until now and the things he thought of were the reason he was there. She smiled shyly and slowly asked him, “Where is my mother?” He grunted in reply.
The angel threw back her head and let out a laugh that sounded like a shriek causing him to wince. She grinned at him and from behind her pulled out the knife she got from the kitchen earlier. She gently placed it on his thigh and repeated her words this time quieter and more forceful, “Where is my mother?” When he laughed, her face changed. She was no longer his angel. Her eyes went foggy and she looked away slowly, scanning the bathroom then met his eyes and pushed her hand down. The man cried as he felt blood trickle down his calve. “What did you do?” she whispered.
Every time he didn't reply she pushed a little harder, getting closer and closer to the bone until he couldn't take anymore. He cracked and spit into her face. “You useless piece of shit! She left because she didn't want you. Nobody wants you. You whore, all you brought this family was trouble. You deserve to die.” All she could do was laugh as she put small cuts all over his body. She enjoyed the sound of him cursing in pain and telling her off in anger. They always told her she'd end up like her father. They always told her she had a temper like her father. Well, if they knew his temper,and they knew who he was, and no one saved them, then she would save her mother. “Where is she?”
He laughed his whiney, pitiful giggle and told her steadily, “We can find her, just untie me sweetheart, if you untie daddy now he'll let you off easy.” Good. She's gone. “Oh daddy, we're not done playing.”
With the last ounce of energy she had she took the knife and brought it up to his throat. Slowly, she made a small scratch. Then a deeper one. Then it become a cut. Then his jugular was being sliced. Soon he was bleeding down his chest from his throat. She pulled the pistol from her pocket and pushed it in her temple. “Problem solved right daddy?” His head fell as the last of his tears fell and she pulled the trigger.
Only 5 minutes into their argument I could tell tonight was different from others. There wasn't any shouting. He didn't even hit her. It was dead silent in the house, and I, for the first time in my life, I was scared. I could only hear his steps, his steady breathing. I could only smell him, the filth, the booze, the selfish attitude. I creeped out of bed and quietly opened my door. I listened for any sign of my mother and slowly I began to realize, I would never see her again. She was gone. She left me here with the monster she allowed to grow, in a shitty household filled with mold and insects crawling all over the walls. In a building filled with cigarette smoke and the smell of trash. I was mad. No I was furious. I was feeling monstrous. They always told me I had my fathers temper, well tonight, I was going to prove them right. I waited, I sat there in the hall by my door and waited until I heard him snoring steadily. The moment I realized he was knocked out, I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the largest knife in the kitchen and the pistol he always kept “just in case”.
When he woke up, he was tied up sitting in a wooden kitchen chair in a shower covered in mildew. The curtain was torn and the bath was so filthy it appeared to be almost black. In the low light he saw her. The young girl with an angelic face. She had skin as pale as sugar cubes, that looked just as sweet, so flawless and pure. Her hair looked like sand, the curls bounced with such ease. Her eyes were an emerald green that pierced his very soul.
Before him stood his daughter. He never actually looked at her until now and the things he thought of were the reason he was there. She smiled shyly and slowly asked him, “Where is my mother?” He grunted in reply.
The angel threw back her head and let out a laugh that sounded like a shriek causing him to wince. She grinned at him and from behind her pulled out the knife she got from the kitchen earlier. She gently placed it on his thigh and repeated her words this time quieter and more forceful, “Where is my mother?” When he laughed, her face changed. She was no longer his angel. Her eyes went foggy and she looked away slowly, scanning the bathroom then met his eyes and pushed her hand down. The man cried as he felt blood trickle down his calve. “What did you do?” she whispered.
Every time he didn't reply she pushed a little harder, getting closer and closer to the bone until he couldn't take anymore. He cracked and spit into her face. “You useless piece of shit! She left because she didn't want you. Nobody wants you. You whore, all you brought this family was trouble. You deserve to die.” All she could do was laugh as she put small cuts all over his body. She enjoyed the sound of him cursing in pain and telling her off in anger. They always told her she'd end up like her father. They always told her she had a temper like her father. Well, if they knew his temper,and they knew who he was, and no one saved them, then she would save her mother. “Where is she?”
He laughed his whiney, pitiful giggle and told her steadily, “We can find her, just untie me sweetheart, if you untie daddy now he'll let you off easy.” Good. She's gone. “Oh daddy, we're not done playing.”
With the last ounce of energy she had she took the knife and brought it up to his throat. Slowly, she made a small scratch. Then a deeper one. Then it become a cut. Then his jugular was being sliced. Soon he was bleeding down his chest from his throat. She pulled the pistol from her pocket and pushed it in her temple. “Problem solved right daddy?” His head fell as the last of his tears fell and she pulled the trigger.
Monday, May 30, 2011
People
Tell me why we live like this
Clinging on to that one last breath, hoping it can save us
Grabbing at the thin thread that keeps us hanging on
Never willing to let go, and just let it all happen
We live each day in constant fear, that someones going to take us down
That disappointment is waiting, crouching, ready to pounce just around around the corner
Why do we live like this?
We're afraid to speak out what we truly feel
And when we're upset, and broken, we just scream
Truth be told, letting the voice go feels amazing
But who's going to listen?
Control
Everyone is searching for control.
Power, never letting anyone dominate their own lives
We want to own
If we can't run ourselves, why not run everyone else
We're all wearing a mask
whether it has your heart painted on it or not
whether it's etched in blood or tears
We switch them daily, pretending and playing
We're all preparing to end
balancing the masks and taking risks, so we regret nothing
Looking for someone to protect us
A face to represent us
someone to lust for us and watch our every move
We need
Everyone needs
All we care about is what we need
What we want
What we long for
What causes a pounding in our ears
and a pain in our chest
What will make our minds go numb and forget the pain, even for those few seconds
We all have pain don't we?
But, what do I know
I'm just a girl
naive, and lost in a sea of wonder
That pushes on no matter what
The current is impossible to stop, to redirect
it pushes and pushes on while people standing on the bank throw stones and laugh
Faces all covered jeering, snickering, cackling
We're all young on the inside
Growing, slowly, ignorant, believing we're open-minded and everyone else is arrogant
Unwilling to listen
Stretching our freedoms way beyond limit
Waiting until they snap like rubber bands and come back to bruise the skin
We're all excersising power
over insignificant things
We all refuse to let go
But what do I know
I'm simply a person
Wishing for control
I want power, to feed off of it
Drink it every morning like a cup of tea
I want to steer someones life
Even my own
I want to stretch my limits
and wait for the day they snap back and make me bleed
I want to own every mask in the world
And turn it into a circus act
“The Amazing Girl Who Disappears”
I'll play hide and seek with the world to prove they need me
I'll live for the future, with no regrets,
but that's right, I'm just an average person
Truly nothing special
Clinging on to that one last breath, hoping it can save us
Grabbing at the thin thread that keeps us hanging on
Never willing to let go, and just let it all happen
We live each day in constant fear, that someones going to take us down
That disappointment is waiting, crouching, ready to pounce just around around the corner
Why do we live like this?
We're afraid to speak out what we truly feel
And when we're upset, and broken, we just scream
Truth be told, letting the voice go feels amazing
But who's going to listen?
Control
Everyone is searching for control.
Power, never letting anyone dominate their own lives
We want to own
If we can't run ourselves, why not run everyone else
We're all wearing a mask
whether it has your heart painted on it or not
whether it's etched in blood or tears
We switch them daily, pretending and playing
We're all preparing to end
balancing the masks and taking risks, so we regret nothing
Looking for someone to protect us
A face to represent us
someone to lust for us and watch our every move
We need
Everyone needs
All we care about is what we need
What we want
What we long for
What causes a pounding in our ears
and a pain in our chest
What will make our minds go numb and forget the pain, even for those few seconds
We all have pain don't we?
But, what do I know
I'm just a girl
naive, and lost in a sea of wonder
That pushes on no matter what
The current is impossible to stop, to redirect
it pushes and pushes on while people standing on the bank throw stones and laugh
Faces all covered jeering, snickering, cackling
We're all young on the inside
Growing, slowly, ignorant, believing we're open-minded and everyone else is arrogant
Unwilling to listen
Stretching our freedoms way beyond limit
Waiting until they snap like rubber bands and come back to bruise the skin
We're all excersising power
over insignificant things
We all refuse to let go
But what do I know
I'm simply a person
Wishing for control
I want power, to feed off of it
Drink it every morning like a cup of tea
I want to steer someones life
Even my own
I want to stretch my limits
and wait for the day they snap back and make me bleed
I want to own every mask in the world
And turn it into a circus act
“The Amazing Girl Who Disappears”
I'll play hide and seek with the world to prove they need me
I'll live for the future, with no regrets,
but that's right, I'm just an average person
Truly nothing special
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Time
We always think "all the time in the world"
"Yeah that's right I got all the time in the world"
But what do we have?
When everyone is claiming all of worlds time?
Thinking, it'll get better let it play out
Sitting back passively never taking a hold
Never just letting go and doing what we want
Never speaking how we feel
Thinking, okay now I'm gonna run out of this room across the world
But instead sitting there thinking some other time
I got all the time in the world
Yet people walk by taking that time from you, leaving you with nothing but seconds
and some people steal the time from themselves
When all the time in the world just runs around
wasting not one single glance at who needs it most
Time is stolen, never given
Time is taken, never shared
Time is never there, when one needs it most
Time isn't there for those who need something to hold on to
time is there for the people who throw it around
Like nothing at all
Time has no heart or soul
It believes not in anything but freedom
Never contained
The world has tried
People have held on and done maniacal things
Just to keep time in a glass, near the heart
Willing for love and their name to live on
But time is like white out on a page
Erasing everything that has ever existed, from this world
Into another world where nothing has control
A world that does not believe in hours and seconds
But this world relies on nothing, but the control that time has
This world, is all about, having all the time
When truly we have nothing but the sand blowing out of our hands
"Yeah that's right I got all the time in the world"
But what do we have?
When everyone is claiming all of worlds time?
Thinking, it'll get better let it play out
Sitting back passively never taking a hold
Never just letting go and doing what we want
Never speaking how we feel
Thinking, okay now I'm gonna run out of this room across the world
But instead sitting there thinking some other time
I got all the time in the world
Yet people walk by taking that time from you, leaving you with nothing but seconds
and some people steal the time from themselves
When all the time in the world just runs around
wasting not one single glance at who needs it most
Time is stolen, never given
Time is taken, never shared
Time is never there, when one needs it most
Time isn't there for those who need something to hold on to
time is there for the people who throw it around
Like nothing at all
Time has no heart or soul
It believes not in anything but freedom
Never contained
The world has tried
People have held on and done maniacal things
Just to keep time in a glass, near the heart
Willing for love and their name to live on
But time is like white out on a page
Erasing everything that has ever existed, from this world
Into another world where nothing has control
A world that does not believe in hours and seconds
But this world relies on nothing, but the control that time has
This world, is all about, having all the time
When truly we have nothing but the sand blowing out of our hands
Clean
A rhythm to boom
And words to whisper
But who, will ever, find time to listen
The mind has all the wisdom
Making matters simple
With easy to use instructions
But who, will ever, learn to read
Two hands to hide the eyes
Protection for all those too sensitive
A mouth to speak out against commands
Power for those unafraid to use it
Two feet to run away
When life starts tossing bombs
A body with built in weaponry
Tears to drown the enemies
Nails to claw away at those who deserve not to see
Words to cause dishevelment in those weakened moments
Resources, resources, us your resources
You need not a sword to slay
No bullet to shoot
But a simple phrase
To turn them away
Spit the words like fire
Burning down all those, who bring pandemonium upon you
With each breath you take, send daggers into their spine
Pull the daggers up, forcing them to look you in the eye
Whispering the truth into the masked innocent face, spiraling them into deep nothingness
With no place to go and no one to turn to
Make them go deaf with the screams of logic
No profanities shall ever caress thy lips
For you are sacred
And they are forsaken
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