Grand Canyon Heart

I miss you

In the simplest terms

I’ve been trying to convince myself this is okay

Being apart, we’ll be okay.

I’ve been thinking it’ll all work out.

I’ve been crying…I think I have my own Nile River now.

I think I have my own numb hole to fill in my gut, my heart, my liver, my spleen

I have a lot of empty spaces I’d like you to fill

The ones between my fingers, my veins, my arteries.

I miss the way you pumped my blood and caught the oxygen

You’d let me get lightheaded, but you always caught me, smiled, grinned, laughed,

God I miss the love

I swear, I made your eyes shine.

And so what? I’m not the best with words

I can’t exactly tame my feelings

They’re a raging bull in my mind

This headache won’t leave. I’m pretty sure my skull is bruised

My heart on the other hand…has become the Grand Canyon

Hell, it’s dried up, torn up, stomped on, broken, beaten, damned

But underneath, where you once lied repairing the damage, there is beauty

Flowers bloom and rivers flow

I made you a bed with the softest Earth and waters

In case one day you decide to come home

Or the fates and sands of time allow us to be

Or if my parents decide you’re worthy

Maybe...I’m the only one that knows you love me, but they love me.

My parents? They do. I wish they could come to my canyon

And see, I need you and you’re gentle touch

To color the skies because oh my god, orange and brown? How blah.

Yes, I’m boring without you. I walk slow, dress nice, pile on the makeup and don’t speak.

Dear Buddha, I don’t speak.

You’re the only one that listened anyway.

You thought me funny, you laughed at the stupidest things

And I loved that, I will always love that. I love that.

You laughed at me and it was okay.

You’ve been to Hell for me and stayed here with me

I didn’t know happiness until I met you

I floated on clouds and drank the stars with a bendy straw

I lassoed the moon and handed it to you like a cookie 

Like those cookies you once baked me

That tasted so heavily of love I thought I’d faint

And here I am saying it, love. Love. Love.

I didn’t need that word before, not for people.

Not for the people outside of my home.

And here I am. Smiling because I still do love you.

The Nile’s flooding and I want you to come home please.

I made your bed. Come lay in it.

Human

If I turn my head and gaze past my shoulder

If I lightly open my mouth and exhale a great sigh

I would be the perfect mechanical figure

To represent what a human body should be

With gears running through me

With cogs and levers for easy adjustment

But only for those who know how to manipulate them

My steel heart painted with peeling loneliness

And the cogs grinding in my chest, just a bit too close, just a bit too tight while you’re gone

The metal beneath the plaster of my skin slowly caving in

I’m scratching at the wrinkling paper protecting layers of exposure

My very delicate machinery

Everything keeps falling in

Yet I’m still out because my arms are not designed for repairs

My mechanic is a secret

A delicate secret tucked so far away

Sometimes a little oil just isn’t enough

I need an adjustment

My mind has frozen solid

The cool metal of my skull is contracting, squeezing my brain until I cry out

My head pounds against the plaster

And I’m crumbling, crumbling, crumbling all around

I hug my knees to my chest to stop the peeling, the bleeding, the pain and try to cry

The pain is too deep, too constricting

 nothing comes out.

I want is to sleep to avoid this feeling of disintegrating, falling, breaking

The only answer, the only hope, is to wait

Sit here and wait until I am whole enough to walk on child like clumsy feet

To the other side of the world I’ll go, hand in hand with my love, stretching my metal slowly growing skin, growing soft

Step by step I’ll pull my heart out from under my bed and admit I am a human of glass

and skin, easy to shatter but warm to hold

I’ll be nestled by his side and free from this cold, old, crumbling heart in my chest

He’ll take it in his hands and press it into the hole in his chest

Crushing the last few pieces to dust

Leaving me with nothing

No innocence to hold

Just pain crushing my bones

You're Not forever

I want someone 
To stop me as I leave
Pull me back and read the heart on my sleeve

You may make me smile
But deep down I know
That if I had one foot out the door
You put your hand on my back
And lead me off the floor
You'd shut the door behind me and never see the ocean waves falling in the darkness below my eyes
I could yell and plea for you to ask for me to stay

Each day
I'll find myself outside the door
Phone in hand
Wishing maybe
you'd think to
 call

I Am Here

Every room I step into, drag myself accross
With such a lackluster attitude and sullen expression
In every room I lose a little more
Faith and hope
But every time, it takes me as a surprise and I can't help but look around
No matter where I go, I still smell you
Everything about you
The tangy, sweetness of the inscence you burn
And the spice of your cologne
I still remeber your sweet smile
And the feeling of your warm breath on my cheek

I feel like I slipped and fell on a slab of concrete
A painful throbbing everytime I blink
My bodys going numb, and my thoughts keep escaping
I've lost all energy to even speak

There are lights flashing all around
and I'm searching for the one with my name
Bright against the night sky
Screaming to the world "I am here"

Mine

The word that keeps playing over in my mind

Dancing on my lips and tickling my tongue

Our hands reaching out to each other like the sunlight falling gently upon the daffodils of early spring

Your touch makes me bloom and you gently pluck my petals and kiss my fingers

The warmth of your love against the soft palm of my hand is enough to make the chilling rain seem worthwhile

The empty days seem much brighter

And the fear of losing you more real

So I’ll lick your lips if you lick mine

I’ll slowly let these letters tumble from my mind

And late in the night I promise you’re the only one I’ll crave

Your eyes will be the only ones to make me cave

Slowly, ever so slowly I’ll completely succumb to the power your voice has over me

You Don't Want Me

The darkness is smothering me  
It's eating me whole
But you're too busy twiddling your thumbs and trying to play your xbox with your toes to notice

I'm laying here as the vultures pick at my skin and meat
Birds with beaks of stone indulge on my flesh and dine
My arms are numb and stuck at my side one above my head
There's nothing I can do but breathe and that's barely happening
 I'm so afraid to reach out because what if they're real and decide to attack 

I watch my self become a skeleton as they peck through my muscle and veins sopping up even my blood
Leaving behind no trace I was ever here except for the dust from my bones that has been ignored so long

And I'm just destined to be stuck here watching you not give a damn
Lost in my yearning for freedom
Wishing you'd carry me away
 But there are only few good days when you come sit by my side

I'm really no prize for you just a settling with a maniac til something better strolls along with a bodacious body and a high pitched laugh
And I'm trying to run away in hopes you'll stop me
But you never do

I'm begging for attention
On my knees for you to care
 Your words say one thing
 But your actions say another
As if I was meant to read them so I wouldn't know the truth

I'm only temporary

And you'll never love me like I love you, never love me

You won't even try or fight or try or fight
I'm beaten, damned
I'm  dust now
And I can't will myself to move

So maybe it's my fault you'd rather dig in your nose than look at me, all my fault
Because I'm a big heap of mess consumed by the lightly lit room laying in my bed at night
Unable to sleep because the tears make me blind

And the birds are feasting, feasting
And I'm quietly weeping, weeping
Wishing, wishing I wasn't so lost in my mind.

My Own Little Lullaby

I miss the sound of your breath as it drew in sharply in frustration
The lull of your heartbeat gently pressing on my palm
I miss the sweet smell of pressing my face into your neck
You’re like an ocean wave consuming me whole
Slowly pressing yourself on me and finding every hidden place
You’ve flooded my mind and I’m sitting on this melancholy beach
Cold and alone spitting up water trying to catch my breath
You’re like the sand
Stuck between my toes, in my hair, in my teeth
No shower can get you off my skin
You’re that tangy soda pop that parches my hot anticipating tongue
The perfect relief when the sun won’t stop beating down
I’ve got you clenched between my teeth
I’m a cannibal hungry for your delicious flesh
You keep me up at night, staring at the ceiling listening to my stomach growling
Because nothing can banish my famine as well as you
I keep hoping you’ll call just to hear my voice
To sing me to sleep so these nightmares would leave
I don’t like feeling that I’ll wake up and you’ll turn out to be a dream
If you’re not with me, I’m afraid you don’t exist
People constantly tell me I’m insane, how is this different?
I don’t like being petrified at the idea that I’m nothing special
I despise worrying
I want to give you my late night
Lack of sleep pushes me into a distant, saddened daze
But I’d do anything for you
I want to make you anything that will come across as sweet on your fine lips
So you’ll see that I too am delightful and sugary
I’d manipulate every word and every star
Just to find the perfect way to say
Since you came into my life, you completely colored the gray
Which is kind of funny because you’re an artist
Not an I’m laughing funny but a romantic irony
You’re the perfect work of art, unlike any other
A hazy portrait unable to decipher
The mystery makes me such a patron that I stare constantly
You’ve long fingers that consume my hands
And a sweet, subtle composition
The way you taste
The way you hold me close
As if you’d never let the world hold me
You found that perfect spot to grab on to my hip and manipulate me
And I find comfort in being a damsel at your leisure
Maybe that’s just me seeing things that aren’t really there, as if I were some psychic who knows it all
But the flame in my belly beneath your hand, begs to disagree
When you stare at me with your large brown, puppy dog eyes
And kiss me slowly as if for us, there is all the time in the world
My atmosphere slowly melts away into a haze, into a daze, like heaven has formed around me
In mere seconds I miss you, standing pressed against your chest, I miss you
There is no way it seems to be close enough for comfort
What I’ve had trouble speaking that comes out as a stutter or a stupid b-b-b-bye
Is that I always hated the l-word and pretending it meant something
But now it does and darling, I love you.

Growing Smaller

Lover stand and lie to me
Hide and walk past me incognito
Dare not show your face
I have been disturbed
You're a sad clown who couldn't crack a smile
Your exterior tasted so sweet
But your heart was burnt toast that no one could enjoy
your hands bulldozers breaking everything they can grab
you've become a destructive force on us
An eternity just seems redundant
As if we'd do this each day
Resent and wish we weren't near one another
I'm growing smaller without a story to tell
You've become an addiction
wiping my mind clean
Like a clean spoken man seeing a voluptuous woman
Strut past him filled with pride
I've got a sticky hot tongue with nothing left to say
You ignore my cries late in the night when I dream you hate me
When I wake to find it so I throw myself into a chair
Laying seems ridiculous when the world is crashing
All I can smell is the salt in my tears
Not your sweaty skin, for you did not follow
How could it get worse
When you forgot to brew the coffee in the morning
You stole my expectations
And turned them to comedy
I want to be elsewhere
Lover, why did you stop making me pancakes every Saturday?
Our castle has become a trailer with a pink flamingo on the front lawn
I can't stop my bodies shake
I've just grown to cold to continue on with you
These silent disputes have become just too loud
This lust is hypnotic
Leaving you behind seems ethereal
Not this way
I can not live
Take your pants and exit my haven
Leave me with my disorder of missing you
These nights I'm counting are copious
I haven't eaten in days
These feelings are bizarre
For it's Saturday, i smell breakfast, and you are no where to be found

All Hail

I'm trying to find my zen so I can say "whatever, that's cool," but I'm lost in the shuffle and there's no pretending not to care when I'm pretty sure I don't care. So you can go ahead and call me any name you can think of 'cause I'm a mean snot-nosed brat and your words are meaningless because I'm in love. L-O-V-E love. Can you spell that for me 'cause I'm lost so deep that my lust has turned to need, which plays this role and makes me think love. So yes, I'm in love, but not with a girl, not with a boy, life. La la la life is beautiful. I know it sounds like crap but look at it from my side. As I sat back, feet propped, wishing, dreaming, being me I learned to let loose and be free, now there's no worry of anyone leaving me. When i got what I wanted they attacked me from behind and while those words were flying, spitting anger on my back becase you're too afraid to face me and say what you think, I was falling head over heels for him. I know you hate me because he couldn't be with you while thoughts of me flooded his mind and you're angry. You're pissed, infuriated not jaded like I am. Wow it feels good to be me. Yeah, Yeah I know. I'm a bitch, but your words don't sting. They've got this kind of ring, like a championship song saying all hail the king and his new queen. New? Not really. I'm the original. Hate me, rape me, sedate me, can't break me. I'm those words caught in your throat that are choking you with fury. That kind of fry that makes you need to pee but you feel ridiculous and foolish doing such an involuntary task at a time like this. i may not be a high royalty, hey I'm queen of geeks, but that's still more than you can ever hope to be so nana nanny nanny boo boo, you're a disgusting person inside and out. Guess I don't suck after all.

So Many Damn Moments

There's this moment when you realize it's not him who's hurting you
It's everyone who gave you false hope
It's the fact that you couldn't prove the nonblievers wrong
And now they won't let it go
So you're a bit stuck because everyone keeps asking
"Do you still love him?"
And you get tongue tied because because well
You don't have a damn clue if you really ever did
And there's that l word again haunting you
And and and well you can't let go because you want to love him and him to love you
But that would be to easy
And maybe maybe I'm so pressed for having us pressed together because I'm a poet
And everyone knows artists love to brood
There's beauty in pain
And my writing has never been so real as it was with him
My words filled with such adoration and pain that it created something my mind couldn't even comprehend
Because people don't L word me
They don't care typically
And he did.
He did.
He still cares. I see it
But whatever
Ya know?
Whatever because I'm just a child
A broken adults soul in a childs body
And my art has never been so magnificent as it was with him.

Everybody Has

I think everyones been in a place they didn't want to be
We've all been hurt by someone we don't even have a right to think about
We've been broken by someone who never had us put together in the first place
We spend so much time on someone who's hurting us
And neglect that one person who stares at us with eyes hungry for only our flesh
We've all reached to pick an apple and had another hit us on the head
In our dizzy daze we held onto the apple tight
As our vision cleared we loosened our grip
And that dastardly apple rolled away
But god it was so sweet
We just want more forbidden fruit
So we spend our life chasing the one that rolled away
We can't find ours so we just chase any other one that runs
When all we had to do
Was walk back to that damn tree
And pick the apple that wanted to come home with me
And maybe I can blame it on that
My blind eyes
Because honestly I have no other excuse
And I'm becoming pretty friggin pathetic
But we've all cried over something we couldn't have
The impossible is just so tempting
And maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I've lost my mind because I keep running after those who will never love me
Never care about me
Never glance at me
Not even spit in my direction
Because he knows my email
He could've called
And I just want to throw my phone at the window
I want to break everything because he didn't call
No one did
They didn't bother to check if I was all right
And I'm sick and tired of hurting myself everytime they're too damn
shallow to love me
I'm out of room for cuts
And I refuse to die
I'm not going to devote myself becauuse that's not what love is
I want to leave and you're welcome to come along
But I'm not going to hope for shit
Cause you're not my problem anymore.

Let's Be Honest These Titles Don't Have Much to Do With the Poem

I don't know why I did it
Have you ever held the smallest plate in your hands
Fine china with the most delicate designs
Have you ever stared at it in comparison to your ugly gnarled fingers?
Have you ever wanted to crush that beauty?
I have
Putting away the plates from Christmas
I could smell the holidays in the cabinet
Starch
Because that's what Christmas was
A starched, stiff table cloth,
Candles and delicate tiny plates
That I wanted so badly to throw.

Have you ever laid in fresh laundry
And let the warmth consume you whole?
Have you ever wished that you were a piece of clothing
So you could forget the world?
I have
I want to be a dress that makes a girl giddy with glee
I'd be anything but a sock
Because sometimes those get lost and are left by their pair
Have you ever wanted to lay on the floor and cry?
Will the world to fade and die?
Or wanted to do the same but hide under blankets in warmth?

Do you know why?
Because I don't.

I want to play piano and sing my hearts woes
Though it may not be beautiful
It's a gracious relief
When my fingers dance across the keys
I feel beautiful and elegant
Like you told me I was
But now it's just pain transmitted
And I am a broken girl
Whose one purpose at the piano
Is to emote and leave.
I'd like to be alone
So I may just think
I don't know why I broke my things
But I swear it doesn't matter anymore
I'm so confused that I can't even think of why I should care that I hurt you
Or anyone for that matter
Because all I see in my mind
Is him entangled with another lover
And it's consuming me whole
I dont know why it bothers me
But I'd like to be alone

Hi..

So I guess we should say good bye
and this well, this is good bye
It's ridiculous that we say good before such a basic, blatant, blunt and painful ending
It's such a simple word and to top it off we add another
As if to someone it actually is good and the other gets the pain of bye
Then the good smacks them repeatedly in the face until they realize
There isn't anything "good" about this
And maybe I'm out of my place saying this but..
Why do we even say goodbye if I'm going to see you tomorrow and you'll haunt me forever?
I mean you're still here and that goodbye was just the beginning of the end of me
It's just a little rude that you assume it's okay to hurt me and continue on punching me in the gut until i bend over and well
Well I puke everywhere
Did you know that?
Did you know I've been getting very sick
it's not that i barf or hit people
I just sit back and laugh
Anyway most of the time I have to cry instead because well if I keep laughing i don't know what will happen
but this has all got to be some big joke
All right come on out YOU GOT ME!
Nice prank
Now please can we go back to hello and kisses
None of this "goodbye" bullshit
Please..
Hello?

Give Me Candy

You promised me you'd never hurt me. Maybe you didn't say it exactly but it was implied when you applied the l word to us. Maybe I shoulda made you sign a contract and forced you to give your heart to me. I knew if I did that we couldn't be what we had then potential. Oh god we had the world to see. I signed away my soul toyou and you tool that soul and held it tight. I knew I'd get hurt BT part of me was a kid in a candy store with an hour to grab all I can. You were my twizzlers my chocolate my gummy bears. But the mean old man pulled me away. I saw it coming an hour is a short while and were so different you so mature and old and me so...me.. You were a careless fool and I was your tool I didn't care I you used me or loved but you pretended to and I guess that's all I needed. But now my heart is stuck to the bottom of your shoe and I don't know if I'm even enough to slow you down but I sure as hell know I'm a pain in the ass to try to move on with. I'm there and no matter how hard you try you still see me so how does it feel to see me cry. Youve seen me fall apart you've held me together you've seen me go crazy. Is it really this easyto break me? You play me like a game you're a disgusting demon playing for the devil teasing me with string as if I were a cat. You're brown eyes laugh at me and icanttell do you want me or is this just a damn game to play? They say I'm a whore and thatim disgusting. Well darling did you know you're the last boy I kissed and you were so sweet. I ne'er had much of a taste for sugar but you broke everything. Every rule every wall. All ofme. I want my own damn candy store. I want my gummy bears. I want you. Goddammit I need you. Why the fuck did they take you from me? Or maybe...it was you..that left and there ain't no one who helped you escape