Try Again

If I knew then just how much I'd need you 
Maybe I would have tried harder
Because when everything's turning to hell
I close my eyes and imagine you
I want to tell you just how bad it's been since you've left
And sometimes I wonder if I chased after you
Or just asked you why..would you still be here?
I wish you'd just hold me close and tell me it's all going to be all right 
I miss the sound of your heartbeat
It was the most comforting sound when I wanted to cry
I miss your warmth and the way your hands could find the perfect place to push to make me giggle 
You always kept me warm with your smile and the way your eyes seemed to eat up my love
I was so nervous to let myself go and fall into you
Now too late I realize all I want to do
And I wonder if maybe you still think of me
Why you left me
If you..even miss me
I know it's a stretch but I keep hoping that maybe you'd like to try
Loving me..
These nights are getting cold and I just want you to hold me
I know I'd sleep so fine in your embrace
Please cover me in your love
Warm up my cold feet and kiss my hands til my whole body flows
I'm Frozen without you
And I know it's a stretch but I was thinking
Would you maybe like to try
Loving me again?

Beautiful

I wish I was beautiful 
Because maybe then you would have stayed
Maybe then I could have kept my sanity
But I will never be beautiful
In the same way that you will never look at me
Or want me
Or absolutely need me 
Breathe me
Spend every second thinking of me
I wish I was beautiful
I used to think I could be
If I stood in the rain or I had a touched up photograph
But after a while
If you stare at the picture long enough
You can find every hidden flaw 
People love the sunshine
The snow
The rain
I'm that cloudy day that everyone says is ugly and depressing
Yet I love that cloudy empty day
Maybe it's because I think I'm beautiful
But honestly
I'm thinking it's because those days
Are a blank canvas ready to be filled with love
I used to believe beauty was within
That's unrealistic because naturally we all have ugly souls
There is nothing pure about being human
It's physical as well 
A perfect combination of the two
Because let's be honest
We've all looked at thesweetest person
Found their every flaw
And thought ourselves handsomer
Better
We picked apart pulchritudinous people and called them a bitch
To feel better
Were so consumed with only finding half the beauty that we always forget 
It's an equation 
A perfect balance
So maybe I'll never be flawless
And you'll never find me gorgeous
Or sexy
Or need me late at night
Maybe you won't dream of my kisses on your skin
My eyelashes tickling your bare chest
Maybe you won't think of our feet intertwined
And maybe I can't be beautiful
Because the only beauty I've ever found in this cruel world
Was our bodies held close
With a promise of never letting go 

Pathetic Fool-> Slam Poetry

You're a pathetic fool dragging around your dropped jaw and your spazzy arms. You gawk at me and vomit words that aren't even true. You laugh and screech at me to go die. You holler and call me a bitch. It doesn't matter how sticky sweet I am, I'm still a whore. I'm gay, a bitch, worthless, waste of space, you don't care. You don't care. You don't care about me. So why if I pull myself home and glide a blade across my skin. I'll drip thick crimson rain. I sit here and patiently wait for the day you step on the wrong toes and they punch your crooked slack jaw loose. I'm sick of the games. I don't give a fiddlers fart about you. Quite honestly, I hope they put you in your grave kicking and screaming. They'll suffocate you with dirt and hatred. When your buried real deep, I'll spit on your grve. I hope you feel it drip around your face and caress your skin. You're giving me headaches. I want to claw at your eyes and bite at your flesh. Tear your apart and rip out your heart. Don't call me irrational, you brought it on yourself.  Next time you open your mouth, bite your tongue until it bleeds because if you don't I will bite it for you and your blood will drip slowly down my throat. Tell me, you think I'm a cat with your calls, how does it feel when a cats got your tongue? Don't you dare tell me what or who I should do. To hell with you and your view. Your attitude reeks of month old tuna and piss. You're the kind of person that makes me choke back stomach bile and dig my nails into my skin. Don't play with me, because I swear to every diety, I will win. 

Those Heartless Thieves

I'm kicking and screaming
Why the hell did you take it?
The world is a conspiracy, all out to get me
They want to take away the last thing I really need
My heart, it'd bleeding
It's seeping, leaking love and word of adoration for you
But you sir, you are so blinded 
Can't you see all I want to do is love you
I miss you so much
Ever since we've been apart I haven't smiled
I spend each day choking back tears because...
Because people don't usually love me or care about me
But you did, you did
Did
Past tense
Over
Now is the present and I'm stuck clutching the hands of this clock
Wishing everything was different
And This empty helpless feeling would leave
So tell me please
Have you sir ever wanted to die?
When I'm alone in ny mind
When everyone's left me behind
I just want to jump
Jump off the damn Eiffel tower 
Revolver in hand and play solo Russian roulette all the way down
Sounds tempting doesn't it?
As tempting a giving a fat bitch a cake filled with razor bladed
Maybe then she'd learn not to speak
So what the hell does she have that I don't?
Tell me what I did to make you decide to leave
I'm sitting alone in a dark moist cellar 
Crying in the corner because they took my knives away
They took my gun away
They stole my easy way out
They stole my sanctity
Godammit they stole you!

Don't Love Her

I feel like I'm gonna die
And you know maybe that wouldn't be so bad
I wouldn't have to see you hold her hand
Or watch her make you smile
So stop acting like me dying is such a sin
A horrible dreadful sin
I mean they tell me each day no one loves me
So please who would give a damn?
Don't you want me to be happy cause seeing you smile is what I've been living for
I love your laugh and this little look you give me
My look
My special look
And I love that we can stare at Eachother
And you'll try to be serious
But whenyou look at me you can't help but smile
But maybe that isn't happiness shining through
Maybe I'm just a joke. 
I just like to believe it's because when you look into my eyes
You see my heart beating for you
And that maybe, just maybe you care
Someone just cares
All day I've felt sick
As if I'll just fall dead because my stomach exploded
Ill color the walls with my blood and fear
I'm afraid to die without you
So if I'm sick
And if I'm really dying
If I'm losing my mind
Please
Just tell me
Tell me you love me and not her
Tell me you never loved her
Please
Just please

One Last Shot

I'm so tired of laying awake
I'm exhausted but I can't stop my mind from running
One second I want the world
I want to win and own it all
The next I'm hopeless and realizing
I'm just a silly child
Dreaming too big
Reaching for the stars won't get me anywhere
Even if I had a ladder tall enough to take me up
How the hell would I catch a breath
Succeed and die trying
Or succumb to being rational
Safe and rational
These shots in the dark are kicking me in the ass
The worlds become a big bitch
Who just can't shut her damn mouth
I keep hoping one of my bullets will hit her
I'm hoping I'll make it so all these bastards will regret the venom they spit at me
They'll beg at my feet and lick my wounds clean 
But I'll do exactly what they said I'd do
I'll push them away and treat them the way they hurt me
I'm not a bigger person
In fact, I'm quite small
Above no one
So beat me
Cover me in bruises cuts and tears
Discolor my world 
Just don't expect any sympathy when I'm on top of you
I'll pity your soul as I give you a piece of my sole
I'm so tired of not sleeping
I'm losing my mind 
But that's perfectly acceptable
Because it gives me the will to be irrational
It gives me the energy to find the tallest ladder in the whole world
I'm getting my star
Even if it kills me

Where are you

I'm staring into the empty space beside me
Wondering, where areyou?
The rain slowly drops and rolls down the bus window
The chill makes me miss your embrace
I can't count these raindrops alone
Where are you?
4 rings and you still haven't picked up your telephone. 
13 voicemails later and I can't stop my stuttered breathing
And the rain drops dripping down my face 
My thumbs keep on tracing eachother but it's not the same
You had those big hands to entertain mine for hours
Where are you?
It feels like 5 billion years since we last spoke
Every where I go I swear I hear your charming voice
I keep seeing you around the bend of corridors
I yell and I scream
But you never answer
Where are you? 
It's days like this
Sitting alone onthe bus staring at my telephone
The empty space beside me 
Counting raindrops that pelt against the window
But having trouble
Because the rain is in my eyes
The roof must have sprung a leak
A salty lonely leak 
I never got to dance with you
As it poured rain with our foreheads just barely touching
Our mutual love for rain
But not for eachother
My clumsy feet just can't keep up
And as you turned away
I fell to my knees and swore I'd never forgive you
But I do now
I do now
I'm sorry...
Where are you?

Out of Time

I'm sick of seeing your sorry face everyday 
If I were free I'd leave and go so far way
They say I can't keep running from my problems
Well baby I got a full gas tank
And 3 bottles Of vodka
I'm set for the next few hundred miles
So shove your doubts down your throat
Swallow them down
Take em straight
I don't have time for all this hesitation
I don't have a life for being held back
I'm out of this place where I'm stranded
Where I'm stuck with someone who left me
In the past few months
Nothing has changed
You hate me
I need you
So I'll just pick myself up off the floor
I'll drag myself out the front door
I'm going so far away
I'm running from you
Even though they told me not to

You Don't Like Poetry

Did you find yourself out there?
Did you find out all you can be
When you left me?
Did you miss your home
Do you even know what home is
Because this house is cold without you
This life is dull without you
Did you find a new girl who can be so much more?
A girl who's not a cold unloving bitch like me?
Did she break you?
I know she hurt you
I told you I'd be the one to refrain from tearing your heart out
I keep trying to move on but I'm still sitting here
Drawing your beautiful face with soft clean slow strokes
I've been working on a portrait a bit less lifelike
This one has love in his eyes 
I've been painting since you left
Anything to get my heart closer to your mind
You don't like poetry
So I drew the words
But they came out as red and black splotches on a page
I tore threw the paper because color couldn't hold my anger
Tell me
Who did you find out there when you were running from me?
Did you become everything you said you'd be?
Did you miss me and does it hurt you like it's hurts me to see you smile each day?
You're right next to me but so far away
Don't we all deserve a second chance to prove there's so much more?
Why did you become so cold and heartless?
Come back home
I'm out of sweaters and the heaters broken 
I need you back
Sofind yourself and leave her behind
I'll be nicer I swear
I cant keep drawing
Save me from myself 

Break Me

You ever miss someone so much it hurt your bones
Your back aches and you can barely walk
You're grandmother used to say it's gonna rain but you know better
You know the rain is only coming down on you and your heart
But it won't cleanse the pain away
You get up every morning hoping for more and feeling horrible
Unfulfilled
You go to bed with thoughts of him in your head 
You look over them for hours and every moment you shared means the world to you
But as the night goes on you realize he doesn't really care
You hope he'll profess his love tomorrow
But if he did wouldn't he answer your calls and letters?
You keep hoping something will change but wouldn't it have so long ago?
You can't get over him and everyday it gets worse
Suddenly youre looking around and there's so much you've missed
No one treats you well so you swallow a bottle of pills
You cut your skin and no one sees
You're alone and there's nothing left
People say it's all just a joke and why don't you just go die
They don't care that they're breaking you apart
You find yourself next to him and you dream of all you could be
Your arms brush and you have butterflies
You're so scared because you're falling and he's standing
He's flying
He's an angel and you're so far away
Alone in hell because no one would take you
He's there and you're obsessed
Dear god he's leaving you so soon
There's no way he'll love you before he's gone
And you know
You know it's hopeless and helpless
You've got no direction but up
Towards his heart
You're just another one
And it's never going to go your way