My Old Place

When the world is falling
When gravity is lost
And suddenly the universe is empty
When the stars burn out
When the streets are barren
And suddenly your world is ending 
I will be sitting Here
Waiting for you
When you find yourself counting raindrops on your window 
And wondering how manyare on mine
When you realize the laughter just isn't as melodical
And the music isn't as tantalizing without my voice
When you find yourself wondering if the world is turning
And hoping I'm not getting motion sick
I will be sitting here
Waiting for you
When the lights burn out
And you're out of candles
When your love for the unknown runs out 
And you realize you're alone 
Step in through my door
Sign in with my receptionist 
Take a seat in my waiting room
You'll be too oblivious to know
The walls are empty
The windows gone 
Shell call you back 
You'll sit down in the place where we first kissed
And you'll realize
I wont be sitting there waiting
I left my room so long ago
No longer staring out the window 
Nor listening for an opened door 
No more waiting for you to come home
I'm not the girl you think you know 
So please
Take a seat in the room where we fell in love
Listen for my footsteps in the hall
Pray That I will rush into the room and sweep you off your feet
Look around 
I have not been here in years
Welcome to my empty heart
Maybe I'll be back soon

In Truth and in Practice

My hands are black and blue from all the reminders I have written
Upon my wrist I keep on saying "hold your head up high"
On my hands, simple things, I once remember but now, can not be bothered to
Sometimes I write things that are really meant for you
Simple things I wish you'd see and silently agree
Please don't forget me, let me be the one, never let go
Did you ever wonder how it feels to die?
Is it nothing?
Blissful peace and eternal slumber but,
I can not stand to sleep alone
At the same time, I can not bear to let anyone near me
You,yet you, were different
I can't forget you, you, you, you...YOU!
Did you know you made me want to live? And breathe?
And dance and sing and just live. Live. 
You make the hurt, pain, booboos, fleshwounds, pain, pain
Bearable
I was never embarrassed or afraid to cry
But you, yes you, have rendered me lonely 
As I lay awake each night, wishing I could just cry
Or maybe have someone to go to
I realize I have no one
I can't let go of my broken ship, no one, there is no one
Because I don't have you

A Typical Night Without You

I'm laying here awake in the middle of the night replaying every sad song i own and staring at the ceiling 
It's the middle of the night and I can't seem to fall asleep because every time I close my eyes I see your face
Every time i close my eyes I begin to hate myself a little more
I can't seem to find the right words to say how everything seems to have just fallen apart
I picked up the world and slipped causing it all to crash
Now I'm laying here sleepless because the nightmares are eating me alive
Because the lonely never rests
Because I cried a river and even built you a bridge from my tears
Because I'm laying here realizing how pathetic I am 
I told you to leave and gave a stupid excuse instead of telling you the truth
You're always on my mind 
I just don't matter enough to trust you but I do
I'm so afraid to sleep and more afraid to wake up
I'm avoiding mirrors because I can't stand to see myself
I just took you by the hands and shoved you out the door 
I threw you out and gave up all I had and it'll never be okay again
I can never be okay
Now I'm pacing wishing you'd call to ask if it's really what I wanted
If it's really what I needed
If I'm okay
So I can say no
No
No
I want you, I need you, I'm the farthest thing from okay without you

All I ever wanted was for you to be happy even if it meant I had to lie
And that's the truth even if it's without me
Now I'm figuring out the truth hurts mainly when it's tainted with lies
Lies can't protect when they're laced with truth
It's as if I'm on the sweetest high singing to the world and suddenly the lights go out
It's fear at the greatest moments
It's being alone pretending I have all I needto be happy
All I need is me

So I ripped up your photograph
And threw away the roses you bought me
I erased you from my memory
But your face, your laugh, your eyes they haunt me 
There is no escape from reality of the situation
Where I'm tip toeing onthe edge of not knowing you and me and losing my identity. 
Either way at this point  I lose you or me

Simple Fear

There are holes in your plan
Gaping oceans swallowing your dreams whole
You keep tryin to thaw my frozen tundra of a heart
I'm telling you
You're on a one way street to frost bite
I know you'll just call me a pessismist
That may be true or maybe I'm just a realist
With an idealists hopes
And an optimists dreams
But every word I speak comes out wrong
Every step is taken in fear
Because I'm so afraid to want something I truly can't have
I'm terrified that I'll get in to deep
And you'll realize living with me is like living in Antarctica
Cold and lonely
Freezing tendrils constantly holding you
Day and night until you can not take no more
Right when weather warms you leave
Causig me to fall into the worst blizzard
There are holes in your plan
I do not own myself
I am a slave with no say
Because I don't know what's "best for me"
You're backing yourself into a corner
And talking in circles
Listen to my words 
For the first time in my life
I just need someone to hear me
I have no control 
None of this is what I want
I want a fairytale ending
With freedom doing what I love
With who I love
Where I love
But what is love?
Simple manic euphoria 
Laced drugs 
An experiment gone wrong
Speeding your heart beat
Causing sweaty palms
And tongue tied nervousness
Once again
Another thing to have no power to change 
I wish someone would hear me 
I'm not ready to be an open book
With my heart on ny sleeve
This isn't fair to anyone
Not even me
But please listen when I say
Simply truly plainly tell you
I'm not ready for someone tohold my heart
And not be afraid to squeeze
Tear apart veins and arteries
Never hesitating take the next step
As if forever really exists
Trying to cut open the beat with every tool handy
Teeth nails fingers
Anything to pry into my world
As I'm out cold on the table
Sedated by your smile
As if it's all just a game
How can I know you'll put it back safely
Not just drop me and walk open
Open chest
Organs slipping all around
Trying to pick up all the pieces
Suddenly my heart is a stained glass window
And anyone can see through
Too tired to secure it
So wasted and out if energy
What if. What if I just told you the truth
I am petrified.