If Living Was Ideal

I don't want to read another word about how lonely I am
I don't want to hear another song telling me how broken I am
I don't want another person to tell me how stupid I am

I know I'm lonely
I know I don't want to eat anything, because what if it's sweet and tastes like our lips
I read all these poems and laughed because I had love and they didn't apply to me
I had a hand to hold
Noww, everywhere I go
I just want to cry, but I can't
I want to let everything go
I'm so sick of keeping my emotions and anger in
Don't ask me if I'm okay
Would you be okay if you had no voice?
Dammit, no I am not fine!
I lost the only love worth fighting for
I lost a will t push me through

"There are plenty of fish in the sea"
What the hell do you mean?
I lost myself, so I should go fishing?
How is that going to help me?
Will ingesting said fish make me beautiful?
Will it make me not only own the world, but love it too?
Will it make me question sitting back and help me take a stand?

"Time heals all pain"
Okay, so I should sit down and wait
By simply allowing time to pass, 15 years of hurt will disappear
If I just wait, suddenly every time I see my scars, I won't have a sick twisted smile on my face
Suddenly, out of thin air, I will be fine
There's not catch 22, no pain ever again
It will all heal

"Everything happens for a reason"
I can't stand physical contact
I let people treat me like nothing at all
I lose myself
I look in a mirror and don't recognize the girl staring back at me
Tell me, what's the reason?
Is this all going to make me president some day?
Or am I wrong and will I remain nothing as I am?

They say you don't need anything, you want it
Well I don't want to live and I don't need it
So why?
I don't want to love anyone and I don't want to
So why?
I don't want to do everything you say
I don't want to jump through hoops for anyone
I don't want to let them win
I don't want to be told I'm stupid and everything is my fault, his fault, her fault, their fault!
No it's not, it's yours.
I don't need anything or want anything
I should be enlightened not fighting a war inside myself
I shouldn't be afraid to speak
But that would mean words spoken were try and that everybody doesn't lie
Of course that can't be true
So what?
Who's going to tell us how to live?
Because I'm sure, like everyone else, I am damn confused
Well, maybe after I get back from fishing and wait
I'll be less broken about losing myself
Then suddenly, I'll "choose" to be happy and need nothing
Afterward, we'll all live happily ever after with prince charming in a beautiful castle
Because according to the sane
these thoughts will keep me sane
If knowing that all of this is a sick twisted game makes me a lunatic
Then, I'm fine with a few lost marbles
I'm content being a bit mad and bonkers
If being sane just means believing lies
I'd prefer to cry and scream
Let me tell you a secret
I need love
I hate fish
I can't sit still while time passes
I am not okay
But that's just honesty
I mean I don't lie
I'm only human