My Old Place

When the world is falling
When gravity is lost
And suddenly the universe is empty
When the stars burn out
When the streets are barren
And suddenly your world is ending 
I will be sitting Here
Waiting for you
When you find yourself counting raindrops on your window 
And wondering how manyare on mine
When you realize the laughter just isn't as melodical
And the music isn't as tantalizing without my voice
When you find yourself wondering if the world is turning
And hoping I'm not getting motion sick
I will be sitting here
Waiting for you
When the lights burn out
And you're out of candles
When your love for the unknown runs out 
And you realize you're alone 
Step in through my door
Sign in with my receptionist 
Take a seat in my waiting room
You'll be too oblivious to know
The walls are empty
The windows gone 
Shell call you back 
You'll sit down in the place where we first kissed
And you'll realize
I wont be sitting there waiting
I left my room so long ago
No longer staring out the window 
Nor listening for an opened door 
No more waiting for you to come home
I'm not the girl you think you know 
So please
Take a seat in the room where we fell in love
Listen for my footsteps in the hall
Pray That I will rush into the room and sweep you off your feet
Look around 
I have not been here in years
Welcome to my empty heart
Maybe I'll be back soon

In Truth and in Practice

My hands are black and blue from all the reminders I have written
Upon my wrist I keep on saying "hold your head up high"
On my hands, simple things, I once remember but now, can not be bothered to
Sometimes I write things that are really meant for you
Simple things I wish you'd see and silently agree
Please don't forget me, let me be the one, never let go
Did you ever wonder how it feels to die?
Is it nothing?
Blissful peace and eternal slumber but,
I can not stand to sleep alone
At the same time, I can not bear to let anyone near me
You,yet you, were different
I can't forget you, you, you, you...YOU!
Did you know you made me want to live? And breathe?
And dance and sing and just live. Live. 
You make the hurt, pain, booboos, fleshwounds, pain, pain
Bearable
I was never embarrassed or afraid to cry
But you, yes you, have rendered me lonely 
As I lay awake each night, wishing I could just cry
Or maybe have someone to go to
I realize I have no one
I can't let go of my broken ship, no one, there is no one
Because I don't have you

A Typical Night Without You

I'm laying here awake in the middle of the night replaying every sad song i own and staring at the ceiling 
It's the middle of the night and I can't seem to fall asleep because every time I close my eyes I see your face
Every time i close my eyes I begin to hate myself a little more
I can't seem to find the right words to say how everything seems to have just fallen apart
I picked up the world and slipped causing it all to crash
Now I'm laying here sleepless because the nightmares are eating me alive
Because the lonely never rests
Because I cried a river and even built you a bridge from my tears
Because I'm laying here realizing how pathetic I am 
I told you to leave and gave a stupid excuse instead of telling you the truth
You're always on my mind 
I just don't matter enough to trust you but I do
I'm so afraid to sleep and more afraid to wake up
I'm avoiding mirrors because I can't stand to see myself
I just took you by the hands and shoved you out the door 
I threw you out and gave up all I had and it'll never be okay again
I can never be okay
Now I'm pacing wishing you'd call to ask if it's really what I wanted
If it's really what I needed
If I'm okay
So I can say no
No
No
I want you, I need you, I'm the farthest thing from okay without you

All I ever wanted was for you to be happy even if it meant I had to lie
And that's the truth even if it's without me
Now I'm figuring out the truth hurts mainly when it's tainted with lies
Lies can't protect when they're laced with truth
It's as if I'm on the sweetest high singing to the world and suddenly the lights go out
It's fear at the greatest moments
It's being alone pretending I have all I needto be happy
All I need is me

So I ripped up your photograph
And threw away the roses you bought me
I erased you from my memory
But your face, your laugh, your eyes they haunt me 
There is no escape from reality of the situation
Where I'm tip toeing onthe edge of not knowing you and me and losing my identity. 
Either way at this point  I lose you or me

Simple Fear

There are holes in your plan
Gaping oceans swallowing your dreams whole
You keep tryin to thaw my frozen tundra of a heart
I'm telling you
You're on a one way street to frost bite
I know you'll just call me a pessismist
That may be true or maybe I'm just a realist
With an idealists hopes
And an optimists dreams
But every word I speak comes out wrong
Every step is taken in fear
Because I'm so afraid to want something I truly can't have
I'm terrified that I'll get in to deep
And you'll realize living with me is like living in Antarctica
Cold and lonely
Freezing tendrils constantly holding you
Day and night until you can not take no more
Right when weather warms you leave
Causig me to fall into the worst blizzard
There are holes in your plan
I do not own myself
I am a slave with no say
Because I don't know what's "best for me"
You're backing yourself into a corner
And talking in circles
Listen to my words 
For the first time in my life
I just need someone to hear me
I have no control 
None of this is what I want
I want a fairytale ending
With freedom doing what I love
With who I love
Where I love
But what is love?
Simple manic euphoria 
Laced drugs 
An experiment gone wrong
Speeding your heart beat
Causing sweaty palms
And tongue tied nervousness
Once again
Another thing to have no power to change 
I wish someone would hear me 
I'm not ready to be an open book
With my heart on ny sleeve
This isn't fair to anyone
Not even me
But please listen when I say
Simply truly plainly tell you
I'm not ready for someone tohold my heart
And not be afraid to squeeze
Tear apart veins and arteries
Never hesitating take the next step
As if forever really exists
Trying to cut open the beat with every tool handy
Teeth nails fingers
Anything to pry into my world
As I'm out cold on the table
Sedated by your smile
As if it's all just a game
How can I know you'll put it back safely
Not just drop me and walk open
Open chest
Organs slipping all around
Trying to pick up all the pieces
Suddenly my heart is a stained glass window
And anyone can see through
Too tired to secure it
So wasted and out if energy
What if. What if I just told you the truth
I am petrified. 

If Living Was Ideal

I don't want to read another word about how lonely I am
I don't want to hear another song telling me how broken I am
I don't want another person to tell me how stupid I am

I know I'm lonely
I know I don't want to eat anything, because what if it's sweet and tastes like our lips
I read all these poems and laughed because I had love and they didn't apply to me
I had a hand to hold
Noww, everywhere I go
I just want to cry, but I can't
I want to let everything go
I'm so sick of keeping my emotions and anger in
Don't ask me if I'm okay
Would you be okay if you had no voice?
Dammit, no I am not fine!
I lost the only love worth fighting for
I lost a will t push me through

"There are plenty of fish in the sea"
What the hell do you mean?
I lost myself, so I should go fishing?
How is that going to help me?
Will ingesting said fish make me beautiful?
Will it make me not only own the world, but love it too?
Will it make me question sitting back and help me take a stand?

"Time heals all pain"
Okay, so I should sit down and wait
By simply allowing time to pass, 15 years of hurt will disappear
If I just wait, suddenly every time I see my scars, I won't have a sick twisted smile on my face
Suddenly, out of thin air, I will be fine
There's not catch 22, no pain ever again
It will all heal

"Everything happens for a reason"
I can't stand physical contact
I let people treat me like nothing at all
I lose myself
I look in a mirror and don't recognize the girl staring back at me
Tell me, what's the reason?
Is this all going to make me president some day?
Or am I wrong and will I remain nothing as I am?

They say you don't need anything, you want it
Well I don't want to live and I don't need it
So why?
I don't want to love anyone and I don't want to
So why?
I don't want to do everything you say
I don't want to jump through hoops for anyone
I don't want to let them win
I don't want to be told I'm stupid and everything is my fault, his fault, her fault, their fault!
No it's not, it's yours.
I don't need anything or want anything
I should be enlightened not fighting a war inside myself
I shouldn't be afraid to speak
But that would mean words spoken were try and that everybody doesn't lie
Of course that can't be true
So what?
Who's going to tell us how to live?
Because I'm sure, like everyone else, I am damn confused
Well, maybe after I get back from fishing and wait
I'll be less broken about losing myself
Then suddenly, I'll "choose" to be happy and need nothing
Afterward, we'll all live happily ever after with prince charming in a beautiful castle
Because according to the sane
these thoughts will keep me sane
If knowing that all of this is a sick twisted game makes me a lunatic
Then, I'm fine with a few lost marbles
I'm content being a bit mad and bonkers
If being sane just means believing lies
I'd prefer to cry and scream
Let me tell you a secret
I need love
I hate fish
I can't sit still while time passes
I am not okay
But that's just honesty
I mean I don't lie
I'm only human

Dreaming

This morning as I fell asleep for the second time
I had a dream that broke my heart because it was everything that went wrong
As we laid there I kept hoping you'd pull me close
After wishing and dreaming, with your eyes closed you pulled me in
We laid there like that just you and me and slowly I started to goof around
I made jokes and teased
I laughed and smiled
But, all you did was push me away
I begged to be brought back in, saying I was sorry, promising to be good
So for five seconds i was back, nuzzling your neck, not a worry in the world
When you opened your eyes, you had your own demise to create
You stood up and walked away while I sat and stared dumbly at the space where you once stayed
I waited until you came back and looked over my head
Oh, how I wanted to stand up and hold you
But I woke up and started to cry, because I never had the chance for a new ending
I never got my smile and love returned
So I tried so hard to create an end, but nothing could bring you back to me
I knew what I had, I just never thought it could be gone
One moment we're breathing, the next we're heaving
Soon everything is ending
And there's no where to go
Each day is a gift, whether the sun shines, or storms come
My moments with you were filled with bliss
Even if I could do it again, I don't think I'd be able to
The memories make me feel less alone
But, its time to on on
I'm going to my true love
And living with no regrets

It's About

We're all a little different
We see the world through our own eyes
Eyes that only one person has
When we speak, we push out words that hurt differently
Some of us fall apart quietly and alone
Some of us refuse the heart break and fight back
Some of us realize a little too late that we should have fought
The time we have for us all slips through our fingers like sand
Only a few pieces stick but the rest fall, impossible to get back
Life isn't like a beach, or war or a football game
Life isn't living of dying
Life isn't even life
For everyone it's so different, that my extreme is your nothing
But every life is filled with empty lonely moments
We all break even if we don't realize it
For every life there is love, loss, anger and pain
Some of us get angry at love for causing us pain and we get lost
Some of us love the pain that gets us lost and fight the anger

I used to truly believe life and love were a war
You have to right to have the upper hand
But after spending so many nights with no one to turn to I see
There is no fight, no person worth dying for
Love is not always kind, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Life and love are not about beating someone until they break
It's about beating yourself until you can open up and be free
It's about looking past your problems and theirs
It's looking into their eyes and seeing there is no one like them
It's about looking in your own face with not one trace of disgust
Because only then, can they
They're about who we find that being there for them
Is as easy as them being there for you
It's a 2-way street that only gets built once in a lifetime
But lasts past death
It's the one person you'll turn Hell over to find when you both die
It's when you'll give up Heaven and God and everything you believe in
To suffer an eternity with them
Rather than love happily ever after without them
It's when you'll break and fight for them, but you'll never have to
It's about when you pick up and leave
They'll follow you across the world
You won't even have to ask
And when they leave you, you'll hold on, get on your knees and push past every insecurity to love them
But they'll get below you and say you didn't have to ask
Just don't forget to show you care, even if it's only in your eyes

All I learned about life and love is I should have never let go
Because it's all I'll ever have
Now it's too late to fix anything
And starting anew is difficult
From now on everyone should know
Life and love are all about the effort
No matter how much it feels like it doesn't effect anything
even if it hurts
It's always worth the shot
Regret going for it rather than missing it
Every mistake is a lesson well learned
No one remembers the person who said what if
It's the person who messed up
That no one forgets