The Most Beautiful Thing in the World

I embraced the summer dawn

As you rested in the hospital room

Still fresh in the world,

I never expected to love you as fiercly as I do

I never would have known that the only boy I would want in my life is my beautiful brother

The only voice I want calling my name in the early morning is his

His miniature voice calling to wake me, to come play and be human in his presence

He is the only one I want creeping into my bathroom asking if I’m showering

Cheering because in his eyes, everything I do is great

And only ever being scolded by him because daddy taught him I bring mess

And oh, I am a mess but in a way he’ll never have to know

Because on my bleak days, I miss him more than happiness

Because he’s the only person I’ll speak to after regurgitating on my face

The only time I’ll ever laugh because he does not know what he did

And one day, I’ll get to tell his first love the story and watch his face plaster with embarrassment

And one day, I’ll get to tell him the story to mend his broken heart because love can be painful

And if I can love him even after he poured our mother’s breast milk on my face,

I know a girl can love him no matter how diminishing his flaws

Because one day I’ll have my own children

But he’ll always be my first diaper change,

The first giggle I adored

The first cry that made my heart ache

The first I tortured with kisses

The first to run away begging for more

The first I wanted to protect with every ounce of myself, even if there’s not much of me, I’d do it all

The first child I loved

Because he is the only person I will allow to take my things and declare them as his

Because being far from him is harder than I ever imagined it could be

Because when I want to give up on everything and move far away, I remember

I need to see him grow up,

I need to know him

And I remember how much I long to hear,

“That’s my sister and one day, I want to be just like her.”

Because when the week is eternal and the days drape themselves around my neck, weighted with exhaustion

I imagine your bold blue eyes, sharp against your dark skin,

Your tufted hair, perched atop your head

Your hurried footsteps, since everything in your life is currently a mission

I imagine you screaming ecstatically as I whisper your name when I come to get you from daycare

Throwing yourself down because at two, there are some emotions you just cannot bear

But even at my age, I cry the whole way home, because some emotions we never learn to control, because true excitement cannot be contained inside

Because I may be far

But I can climb into my car, get on an endless road and drive home to you

Because the tears still creep down my face as I open the door, and before I know it

Tiny caramel hands wrap around my fingers and I know I’m home.