If Living Was Ideal

I don't want to read another word about how lonely I am
I don't want to hear another song telling me how broken I am
I don't want another person to tell me how stupid I am

I know I'm lonely
I know I don't want to eat anything, because what if it's sweet and tastes like our lips
I read all these poems and laughed because I had love and they didn't apply to me
I had a hand to hold
Noww, everywhere I go
I just want to cry, but I can't
I want to let everything go
I'm so sick of keeping my emotions and anger in
Don't ask me if I'm okay
Would you be okay if you had no voice?
Dammit, no I am not fine!
I lost the only love worth fighting for
I lost a will t push me through

"There are plenty of fish in the sea"
What the hell do you mean?
I lost myself, so I should go fishing?
How is that going to help me?
Will ingesting said fish make me beautiful?
Will it make me not only own the world, but love it too?
Will it make me question sitting back and help me take a stand?

"Time heals all pain"
Okay, so I should sit down and wait
By simply allowing time to pass, 15 years of hurt will disappear
If I just wait, suddenly every time I see my scars, I won't have a sick twisted smile on my face
Suddenly, out of thin air, I will be fine
There's not catch 22, no pain ever again
It will all heal

"Everything happens for a reason"
I can't stand physical contact
I let people treat me like nothing at all
I lose myself
I look in a mirror and don't recognize the girl staring back at me
Tell me, what's the reason?
Is this all going to make me president some day?
Or am I wrong and will I remain nothing as I am?

They say you don't need anything, you want it
Well I don't want to live and I don't need it
So why?
I don't want to love anyone and I don't want to
So why?
I don't want to do everything you say
I don't want to jump through hoops for anyone
I don't want to let them win
I don't want to be told I'm stupid and everything is my fault, his fault, her fault, their fault!
No it's not, it's yours.
I don't need anything or want anything
I should be enlightened not fighting a war inside myself
I shouldn't be afraid to speak
But that would mean words spoken were try and that everybody doesn't lie
Of course that can't be true
So what?
Who's going to tell us how to live?
Because I'm sure, like everyone else, I am damn confused
Well, maybe after I get back from fishing and wait
I'll be less broken about losing myself
Then suddenly, I'll "choose" to be happy and need nothing
Afterward, we'll all live happily ever after with prince charming in a beautiful castle
Because according to the sane
these thoughts will keep me sane
If knowing that all of this is a sick twisted game makes me a lunatic
Then, I'm fine with a few lost marbles
I'm content being a bit mad and bonkers
If being sane just means believing lies
I'd prefer to cry and scream
Let me tell you a secret
I need love
I hate fish
I can't sit still while time passes
I am not okay
But that's just honesty
I mean I don't lie
I'm only human

Dreaming

This morning as I fell asleep for the second time
I had a dream that broke my heart because it was everything that went wrong
As we laid there I kept hoping you'd pull me close
After wishing and dreaming, with your eyes closed you pulled me in
We laid there like that just you and me and slowly I started to goof around
I made jokes and teased
I laughed and smiled
But, all you did was push me away
I begged to be brought back in, saying I was sorry, promising to be good
So for five seconds i was back, nuzzling your neck, not a worry in the world
When you opened your eyes, you had your own demise to create
You stood up and walked away while I sat and stared dumbly at the space where you once stayed
I waited until you came back and looked over my head
Oh, how I wanted to stand up and hold you
But I woke up and started to cry, because I never had the chance for a new ending
I never got my smile and love returned
So I tried so hard to create an end, but nothing could bring you back to me
I knew what I had, I just never thought it could be gone
One moment we're breathing, the next we're heaving
Soon everything is ending
And there's no where to go
Each day is a gift, whether the sun shines, or storms come
My moments with you were filled with bliss
Even if I could do it again, I don't think I'd be able to
The memories make me feel less alone
But, its time to on on
I'm going to my true love
And living with no regrets

It's About

We're all a little different
We see the world through our own eyes
Eyes that only one person has
When we speak, we push out words that hurt differently
Some of us fall apart quietly and alone
Some of us refuse the heart break and fight back
Some of us realize a little too late that we should have fought
The time we have for us all slips through our fingers like sand
Only a few pieces stick but the rest fall, impossible to get back
Life isn't like a beach, or war or a football game
Life isn't living of dying
Life isn't even life
For everyone it's so different, that my extreme is your nothing
But every life is filled with empty lonely moments
We all break even if we don't realize it
For every life there is love, loss, anger and pain
Some of us get angry at love for causing us pain and we get lost
Some of us love the pain that gets us lost and fight the anger

I used to truly believe life and love were a war
You have to right to have the upper hand
But after spending so many nights with no one to turn to I see
There is no fight, no person worth dying for
Love is not always kind, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Life and love are not about beating someone until they break
It's about beating yourself until you can open up and be free
It's about looking past your problems and theirs
It's looking into their eyes and seeing there is no one like them
It's about looking in your own face with not one trace of disgust
Because only then, can they
They're about who we find that being there for them
Is as easy as them being there for you
It's a 2-way street that only gets built once in a lifetime
But lasts past death
It's the one person you'll turn Hell over to find when you both die
It's when you'll give up Heaven and God and everything you believe in
To suffer an eternity with them
Rather than love happily ever after without them
It's when you'll break and fight for them, but you'll never have to
It's about when you pick up and leave
They'll follow you across the world
You won't even have to ask
And when they leave you, you'll hold on, get on your knees and push past every insecurity to love them
But they'll get below you and say you didn't have to ask
Just don't forget to show you care, even if it's only in your eyes

All I learned about life and love is I should have never let go
Because it's all I'll ever have
Now it's too late to fix anything
And starting anew is difficult
From now on everyone should know
Life and love are all about the effort
No matter how much it feels like it doesn't effect anything
even if it hurts
It's always worth the shot
Regret going for it rather than missing it
Every mistake is a lesson well learned
No one remembers the person who said what if
It's the person who messed up
That no one forgets

Slipping

Have you ever felt something slip through your fingers? Slowly, things just seem to fall around you and they're impossible to catch.In a way you feel like a ghost and the words tumbling out of your mouth mean nothing at all. I guess that's what happened to me. I was a ghost of my former self and everything turned to drops of rain slowly falling through my hands. There was nothing anyone could do to stop it.

I was a man. I was 28. I had a dead end job, that brought in good money, but no satisfaction. I had no love or friendship. I wasn't unhappy, I was just bored.

He was 35. He was a man. We worked together and he had it all. He was the company owners son and he was making his way to the top. At every corporate gathering we had he brought his wife. He'd stand there telling stories about yacht rides and late night dinner parties with imported wines. Everyone laughed when he told a joke, no matter how stupid. I laughed with them. His wife would crawl all over him giggling about everything. When someone else said anything she gave them a look as if they were mad. To say the least, she was a bitch. She was 22 and his second wife. He married her soon after his first wife died. I know he was the perfect one because so many people envied him. They would never know.

One night after a party at work, I followed him home. I kept a safe distance so he couldn't see my face. Not that he'd be able to identify me anyway. When he finally pulled into his driveway and went inside, I quickly retrieved my gloves, handkerchief, and gun. I put on the gloves and wiped my gun and bullets clean. Slowly, I pulled myself out of my car and snuck around the back of the house. I tried every window on the back of the house but they were locked, I tried the back door but it too was locked. Now, I was pissed. I grabbed a rock and in one swift motion broke a window on the back door and let myself in. Seconds later I heard harsh whispers, feet falling to the ground and the scraping of a bat on wood floor. I met him in the kitchen and before he could utter one word, I pulled the trigger. I dropped the gun and ran out the front door. Quickly I got in my car and drove away. Now, one day later, I'm wondering how to let them know it was me, but still run free. I called the police and filed a missing persons claim on myself. I told them my address and said I haven't seen him in over a week. They told me they'd be there in an hour. As I'm packing my suitcase, I decide I'm going to France. I get in my car and drive as fast as I can to the airport and get on the first plane out of England.

With my fifth job, I'm in the same place, working with the bosses son, planning where to go.

Relief

Laying on the couch after a day of hard work with your feet propped
It's staring at the stars after a fight with your best friend realizing you didn't mean a word you said
And they forgave you
It's the end that comes after weeks of fighting and constantly giving up
It knocks the wind out of you when you realize these people left and they're not yours to miss
But deep inside you know it's everyones fault not only yours
And that makes it better
After you spend weeks of not sleeping because your mind races and then one day you slip into blissful slumber
After spending your life crying and fighting
It's the moment that comes when you realize everythings pretty okay
It's the hug that comes instead of anger because we all make misakes
And that's okay too
When life slows down a bit after the hustle and bustle and it's your time to choose
It's the moment you realize that this life is yours
You control who comes and goes
You control whats going to happen even if it's directly out of your hands
When youe realize that being selfish isn't a crime and it'll save your life one day
That caring for others is a beautiful art but sometimes you just have to be number one
It's something not many get to experience because we spend our lives screaming inside and sitting around out
Feeling afraid to just jump when they sat sit
Giggle when they say quiet
Stay when they say to leave
Not giving up when everyone says it's over
In reality nothing is ever over and everyday is a new one
It's realizing tomorrow will never come because tomorrow will forever be tomorrow
So it's time to fight today
Life isn't going to suddnely sit in front of you while your holding the paint brush
It's a race, you must chase everything and paint it your own color
It's pure satisfaction as you sip your beer knowing, that you made a difference
Relief is a longing to know that today is not your day to go

Only Once

She stepped through the heavy wooden doors in one big sweep. When she saw him he was sitting in a pew hands clasped and looking down. He could have passedfor praying if it weren't for the tears dripping down his fingers. She walked to him quickly and held out her slender hands offering him a box with a white bow. When he looked he finally saw her. 

She stood before him in white with her wings spread out behind her. Her brown locks hugged her face and reached down her back. She had eyes as bright as the ocean and as blue as the sky that betrayed her and showed her every emotion. But for the first time he saw them empty and cold. There was no trace of the girl, his girl. Gingerly he took the box from her and she quickly disappeared as if he'll had eaten her whole. He sat there staring at the bow and the little tag that read "open me". 

He got up and screamed. That's all he could think to do, scream until every man turned in his grave and every womans heart skipped three beats. He screamed until he couldn't take it anymore and he dropped to his knees pleading for sanity. He carefully slipped the bow off the package and lifted the lid. He held his breath and carefully pulled out a glass heart. It fit perfectly into his two hands as if it were meant to be held by only his. Through the red tinted glass he could see a small note inside the heart. He looked at the heart and couldn't believe it. How could she come here? It was his fault. He stared atthe note and began to fill with rage, how the hell was he supported to get the note out? She never was vey smart. So he balanced the heart in one hand and in a swift motion he threw it against the wall. He walked over to the shards of glass and bent over to pick up the note. He quickly picked up all the pieces in his hands and cried over them and cursed under his breath. It was his fault she left. 

He always called her his angel. Said she saved his life, he would have leaped off a building that night they met. It was a cold December night and she was an actress. She just finished a Christmas play when they ran into eachother and he accidentally knocked her over. When their eyes met there was nothing. His heart didn't move or warm. She didn't even look twice at him. They were just two strangers but she managed to make him think twice about everything he did that night. She always wished there was something a spark, butterflies anything, anything at All that would have helped her fall in love. But there was nothing. They shared a few remarks, some small talk which led to coffee which led to dinner. Dinner led to talking which in the end brought them to a point where they needed eachother and that was it. No love. No attraction, pure need. One night he left. He told her he needed to find love and happiness and this wasn't it. She told him "once broken apart, can never befixed". Just likethat it was over. She saved his life, he ended everything she ever had. 

He couldn't fix the heart. The note was never meant to be read. So he sat and hugged his knees and cried into his slacks. How could he have been so stupid as to not see, it was love, their love just happened to be pure need. But the note was true "Once broken apart, can never be fixed" because she left him for a place where he can never reach. 

Blisters

I wish it would pour down rain
I wish I had a lighter to set the night on fire
I want to sit under the burning stars and let the flames lick my skin
I want them take over my heart in a way love never could
Let the blistering heat devour me whole
Leaving behind no trace of a young girl
Let the rain wash away the pain from my skin
Clearing all evidence of blood and open wounds
I want to claim a new life and steal the free soul of another
I want to dine on the worlds finest flesh and clearest skies
Open the air because the devils coming through
He's got a new lover
A girl too afraid not to play with the fire
He's holding her hand and kissing her stomach
He's pulling her close claiming her as his
She's to frightened not to play along
Not to laugh maniacally as she steps on the hottest embers, pushing every boundary she ever built
She's too lost in indulgence to realize she's broken every wall she built
She's dropping every mask she's ever wore
No longer hiding the war in her mind, in her life, in her home
Just watch her heart turn to dust with her rotting flesh
Falling in the gutter with the rest, no way to see the stars through the storm
Dropped like the rest
Not even a game for Hell to play
It's gonna be an empty road, a barren night, filled with shattered glass to walk on
It's gonna be a silent room, with no one to hold on to
A lonely hour that will drag out for what feels like forever
Walking alone, regaining all that's been lost
An attempt that failed
Now with no one to help, because nobody cared
Life is a game
One we all must lose
it's like a war on silence
this is the battle
can we give up,fail and continue on with life
there's the lingering regret, like gentle fingers caressing your face
Coaxing you one more to give in to the pain
This is the sword to sword moment
time to push or give no more
Step up and fight, give up with dignity
Or push on no more
Nobody cares about the scars on your wrists or legs
No one will stare when you show the world what your made of
it's the thickest confusion, clogging your throat making it hard to swallow
how do you speak out when your so numb with fear
he's still watching
left you broken, beaten and damned so who to turn to now
Every word, every step is a puzzle
Put it together, to move on and slay every army
swim across every ocean to reach home
Home is where the heart is left behind
Even burned and turned to ash it still stays behind
Blistering in the heat
Waiting in the devils hands
He is waiting for his winning bride
She who kills the most and steals her own life, is the one he wants
She just wants him forever, but hell has stolen her heart