An Ode to Me

I think I appreciate spreading myself across my bed more than someone’s palms pressed against my skin.

I enjoy the crisp wind creeping through my window, stroking my back more than someone’s existence lying next to mine.

I’d rather be awoken each morning to a cup of coffee made perfectly by myself then pretending the muck you made is amazing and pouring it out as you turn your back.

Because I don’t know love in the way most people do, because I don’t feel enough long enough to truly be excited when I see someone gazing upon my profile through my peripheral vision.

I don’t want the smell of you to linger in my bed when you are gone, just a pressing reminder in the back of my head that I could not love you for more than one night.

I don’t want to find pieces of you left behind the next day, when I have things to do, rooms to clean, no time to be thinking of you wondering why I’m only capable of being alone.

You’ll never love me the way I do

You’ll never look into my eyes and become hypnotized by a green so deep, it cannot be replicated by nature

Because there is nothing to compare me to.

I am too vulgar, too blunt, too real to be a flower

I am hotter and more fiery than fire itself

I am nothing like the sun, you can’t take your eyes off me because I am dark, I am new, I am different, I am unthinkable

I am a disaster, so perfectly put together, my pieces don’t fit, but someone took a hammer and smashed me until I became whole

There’s no pulling me apart, I do not fall apart, I do not break, you can not fit inside, there is no more room inside of me for anyone or anything

I am me.

I wake up next to myself, more happy than when I went to sleep

Because in the middle of the night, I did not sneak out and leave myself alone

Because I am so much more than a one night stand

I am something real

Something so strange that even mirrors can’t bear to see me leave but they love to watch my hips swing as I strut away, carrying myself with an unnecessary confidence through my everyday life

Because I told myself I am beautiful, I am sexy, I am powerful, I am a woman, each day until

I became something so surreal, that I am unbelievable.

I did not need a man to caress my back and hold my hand, I held myself each night

Until one day, I did not need anyone but me.

I am tired of writing poetry and wasting beautiful verses on people who do not deserve a piece of this ass

I deserve a piece of this ass and some words to read with my morning oatmeal.

Because damn.

I love me.

The Last Time I Loved (My first sonnet)

He touched my skin, burning my very soul

Though, I do not know his name, all the same

I found my whole aflame, ashes on coal

His fingers caressing my charred, broke frame

His smile has set my calm world on fire

I cannot look him in the eye: my sun

He has me, marionette on a wire

Puppet in his show, I think I have won

Blinded by the stage lights, I cannot see

A similar fire, blazing near my own

A slight girl, strings attached, right next to me

He cuts my strings, rendering me lone

From my tutu pocket, I pull a gun,

For who am I, to allow him such fun?

That One Girl is a Disaster

What are you doing?

Laying by the window, gazing at starlight;

you breathe deeply, inhaling the pain of being lost.

Your eyes sparkle with sadness,

searching for more,

as if you look into the darkness and see something

that is not there.

Golden hair and empty green eyes,

that is you, with no hope,

no ambition here.

You have dreams, that is clear,

but where have you hidden them?

You watch the sun rise and set,

never moving from your bed.

Life goes on, while you wait.

but what are you waiting for?

You are a lost child.

Too accepting of the mess you have become.

You coined yourself disaster,

ripped your clothes,

messed up your hair,

smeared your lipstick,

and laid down in your bed, embracing something

you are not.

Where have you hidden your beauty?

In beds of empty lovers;

in the bottom of wine glasses;

in broken mirrors and an empty home.

Where have you hidden your charm?

On the lies of promised love;

on someone else’s expectations.

You have let yourself be sculpted,

stolen from, taken until you are nothing.

A piece of your clay on everyone you meet.

But darling,

who do you want to be?

I am destroyed

I am the pieces of a broken vase, clumsily put together, pretty to look at and impossible to hold

If you pick me up, I’ll cut your hands and crumble to nothing

I am destroyed

I am chain smoking until you feel sick

I am the smell of loneliness on your hands when you’re alone late in the evening crying softly 

                  wishing things would change

I am the step you take that twists your ankles but you have to keep moving because it’s not really that bad

I am the doctor’s visit that follows that shows you your leg is broken

Because I am destroyed

And I cannot let anyone know

I am everything no one wants

Because at every job they teach you that no one likes unhappy

I am everything they do not want you to be

No one likes pain

I am everything they try to hide

We are what we are and there is nothing else but earth and society

I am claustrophobia so extreme that the universe feels so small and suffocating

Because how can we be free if there’s nowhere to go but somewhere on this planet or in this universe? We are so limited by boundless opportunities

I think maybe I’m evil

The way I tear things apart

The way I crumble at your touch

It’s like I’m hiding behind this façade and before you can run from me

I turn into something new

I am destroyed, you see.

So please don’t follow me.

Inspiration

I found inspiration in the pale white scar on his chest where he tried to set his demons free

I found inspiration in the pain he felt despite never being hurt

I found inspiration in his fear to love me

I found inspiration in the way he seems to be running from something he can’t say

I found inspiration in his happiness at my complicated replies, in the way he seemed excited to learn why I am in pain, and his quick correction to say he does not understand, making him the first to admit

You do not understand

I find inspiration in the way he disappeared and in the way he lied when I knew the truth

I find inspiration in his façade; in his stoner talk; in his cool guy talk; in his fascination with money; in his attempts at Buddhism; the books he reads; in being so much all at once

I find inspiration because he should love me and maybe, I too should love him; but we cannot

In the way he believes only two things are proven; gravity and love

 But he seems so terrified of both

I find inspiration in the sadness he brought me

Sadness not from silence but rather the introspection he brought back into my life

I find inspiration because he reminded me of who I am

I find inspiration in the way he looked at me and yearned for me, but would not admit it

I find inspiration because in one night, he wiped away every ounce of confusion

I think of his words

I think of his mind

I think of our parallels and realize

We are so close we will never speak again

I am Venomous

I remember the day my father left, I turned to my mother and said “does this mean I can call you mommy now?”

I remember blocking her from fists with my tiny arms, only to be thrown to the side

But  my love for my mother is stronger than any hand looking for a place to land.

I remember learning in school, that children from abused homes, will have trouble with social relationships later in life, including romantic relationships.

So when you stare at me with that drooping face, silent eyes and silent mouth, ignoring every word I just threw at you, I want to scream because sounds of fists hitting skin are easier to listen to then the silence you bring into my life. silence is deafening when it comes from the one you love.

Which makes me wonder why I’m so quick to love you when you can’t even speak my name, is it me that’s having trouble or is it you?

I ask you if you’ve ever thought about dying and you say no, you have not, you have never wanted to kill yourself and feel the end but I do not believe you because you spend way too much time on the couch playing video games without ambition to truly want to be alive.

you say you have wanted to kill someone before, shotgun poised in hand, opening the door, staring at a man sleeping on the couch that you wish were dead.

But to this day, you go see him every week to mow his lawn while he laughs about your mothers bruises.

bruises are hard to erase, they fade but you still find yourself pushing the skin where they once laid, hoping for a reminder to know what happened was real but everything seems to fade in the end and so should your sadness, but mine never did.

Now when I look into the eyes of any man, I think of my mother.

I realize that over time, I slowly stopped hugging her because the pain of being touched by another is just too great.

but I’m so quick to jump into the bed of a lover, creating flourished romances out of nothing, finding myself groped and grinning allowing it when this man will never love me, but I won’t let the woman who gave me everything hug me because I want to be loved but only look for it in places that it will never be.

and maybe that’s fucked up. but I’m terrified of finding myself unable to be loved again. your silence has broken me.

like moist wood in the summer time, I have become worthless, I cannot burn, I only rot. the only house I can be used to build is one for termites and let me tell you something, termites eat each others feces, eerily similar to the men I attract; they are full of shit.

They call me beautiful, getting inside and pulling me apart, piece by piece, until they are full, breaking down my tough fibrous being, making me imagine myself as some red lipped beauty queen. but I call myself disaster and they agree. my friend agrees but adds “beautiful,” but what is beautiful about walking into my apartment building in the morning, smudged eyeliner and smeared lipstick, holding my head up, tears back and collapsing in the shower swearing to myself that I am unforgettable.

but let me tell you something, I will plague your mind like insanity that gives in to no sedation,

I am the sickness, making you weak, sending you through the streets, unforgettable sight like dead bodies lining the road, melting in the hot sun

because I don’t have to be beautiful to consume your mind,

do not tempt me with your feeble attempts to harm me because I will drag my ass out of that shower, put on a new shade of bitch and walk out the door untouchable, you will never know the strut of my walk of shame twice because I am venomous and you could not handle me.

The Most Beautiful Thing in the World

I embraced the summer dawn

As you rested in the hospital room

Still fresh in the world,

I never expected to love you as fiercly as I do

I never would have known that the only boy I would want in my life is my beautiful brother

The only voice I want calling my name in the early morning is his

His miniature voice calling to wake me, to come play and be human in his presence

He is the only one I want creeping into my bathroom asking if I’m showering

Cheering because in his eyes, everything I do is great

And only ever being scolded by him because daddy taught him I bring mess

And oh, I am a mess but in a way he’ll never have to know

Because on my bleak days, I miss him more than happiness

Because he’s the only person I’ll speak to after regurgitating on my face

The only time I’ll ever laugh because he does not know what he did

And one day, I’ll get to tell his first love the story and watch his face plaster with embarrassment

And one day, I’ll get to tell him the story to mend his broken heart because love can be painful

And if I can love him even after he poured our mother’s breast milk on my face,

I know a girl can love him no matter how diminishing his flaws

Because one day I’ll have my own children

But he’ll always be my first diaper change,

The first giggle I adored

The first cry that made my heart ache

The first I tortured with kisses

The first to run away begging for more

The first I wanted to protect with every ounce of myself, even if there’s not much of me, I’d do it all

The first child I loved

Because he is the only person I will allow to take my things and declare them as his

Because being far from him is harder than I ever imagined it could be

Because when I want to give up on everything and move far away, I remember

I need to see him grow up,

I need to know him

And I remember how much I long to hear,

“That’s my sister and one day, I want to be just like her.”

Because when the week is eternal and the days drape themselves around my neck, weighted with exhaustion

I imagine your bold blue eyes, sharp against your dark skin,

Your tufted hair, perched atop your head

Your hurried footsteps, since everything in your life is currently a mission

I imagine you screaming ecstatically as I whisper your name when I come to get you from daycare

Throwing yourself down because at two, there are some emotions you just cannot bear

But even at my age, I cry the whole way home, because some emotions we never learn to control, because true excitement cannot be contained inside

Because I may be far

But I can climb into my car, get on an endless road and drive home to you

Because the tears still creep down my face as I open the door, and before I know it

Tiny caramel hands wrap around my fingers and I know I’m home.

His Poem

The needle skips on the record
Repeating the same line “waiting for super-, waiting for super-, waiting for super-“
She’s lying next to half a bottle of dreams
Draped over a torn scarlet chair
Singing quietly to herself “waiting.”
She lets the words linger on her lips, tasting them softly
She whispers his name “superman”
Her superman
Running through her life like a child with crayons
Coloring outside the lines, bringing chaos to her quiet mind
Beautiful chaos
Turning anguish into something new, depression into something more periwinkle and less blue
Turning sadness into something that could be mistaken for beauty
Oh the things that man could do.

                        “Save her now before it’s too late tonight”

With a flick of his wrist he turned what seemed to be an escape into a bottle of Tylenol.
He molded her heart and kept it safe in a box, away from spite and hatred.
He showed her a mirror and never once noticed her deep scars
Instead he just pointed out her curves, her body, calling her art.

                        “History is like gravity, it holds you down away from me”

One the days she was disconsolate, his phone calls faded, but his presence reigned strong.
She learned to pull out of her mind and find comfort in his affection.
On the days she was disconsolate, he held her tight, proving to her she was alive
And that maybe that too, could one day be beautiful.

                           “I should have given you a reason to stay”

Sometimes a smile can be the most difficult thing to muster
But each day he slapped one on and went on his way.
Inside she could see he was dying.
With tears in his eyes he would swear he’s not crying.
He would promise he is all right then ignore her all night.
But she pushed on, swearing her love, never letting go.

                               “I just wanted you to let me in”

He broke, and she never knew why.
Slowly he backed out of her life.
Pain in his eyes he would refuse to explain, kiss her and move away.
His grandfather passed and she could fix nothing.
He saved her life, her mind, her heart and she could only push him off the edge.
She found her escape and for it, he despised her more.

                                 “I don't know where I'm going but I don't think I'm coming home”

Little did he know if she could, she would take his place.
She’d save anyone who made her superman blithe.
She called over a hundred times, waiting for an answer, begging for affection, adoration.
She shrank away from the mirrors and swore he would return.
For he was her hero, and she knew he would come save her again.

                                 “And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?””

Her screams can be heard outside her mind as her bottle spills upon the floor.
She finds herself singing, trying to convince herself that her scars can be beautiful.
She once found herself hiding and now finds herself showing herself, proud of whom she is.
Oh how that man stole her mind, sharing her dreams leaving her with half a bottle and no return.

                             “If all you wanted was love, why would you use me up? All I wanted to be was your giving tree”

Maybe he would have stayed if he knew what he did for her.
Her mind often strayed to feeling insignificant, insufficient.
Never did she consider, he was falling down the same hole.
He grew fields of adoration in her mind watering her apple trees, bringing peace to her mind
He could not have never known the wonders he brought
The smiles and shrugs, the respect she had for herself, how she managed to pick herself and move on in hard times.
He was more than enough, more than good, more than perfect.
He saved a child and helped her grow into a woman all with a smile.

                            “I didn’t want to care and then I saw you there”

Maybe no one else would ever care for her again, but that would just be all right.
He gave her something to live for, something permanent.
She had dreams; she could finally live for herself,
And if he allowed, she could live for them.

                                “Well you see her when you fall asleep , but never to touch and never to keep. 'Cause you loved her too much”

He’ll be here, he always returns. Her angel of darkness, sneaking into her life, taking root in her heart.
“Waiting for super-“
He’s just a little bit late.

Unstoppable

I thought I would be limitless, boundless, unstoppable

But looking at my hands I realize

I am pausable, worthless, homeless

I thought I was powerful, strong and beautiful

But I look into my eyes and see weakness, fear

I thought I would be sane, thought out, controlled

But as I look at my veins

I see tenderness, pain and insanity

I thought I would be different

But as I look at my clothes, my face, my mirror

I realize I blend into society

Voiceless

Alone

Sent to war

On nothing but pennies

I thought I was a fighter

I am as afraid as the rest of them, unable to walk away

I am an animal

Weak kneed with a loud growl

I am a human

I am selfish

Greedy

I am heartbroken, young and restless.

Faith

If we were Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden

When you expressed interest in the fruit

I would swear to get it for you

When I were caught holding the fruit

I would take the blame, face the charges

And leave

If God asked me, did he help you?

I would say no,

He tried to stop me

For I am woman and I am corrupted

Let him stay.

I would spend an eternity sitting outside the gates

Hiding in shame under clothes of wool and chain

I would watch you

Bare and free

Saved because I am a slave to thee

I would give up eternal bliss and  to watch you dance

To hear you sing by God’s side

While I were stuck

Between heaven and hell

Alone in a place called the world

With traffic and murder

Where people like you are strippers

And people like me are whores.

When I die, and am asked if I have remorse,

What motivated me?

Can I be forgiven?

I would lie and say I am greedy

Because I am woman,

I am corrupted.

I may seem free

 I was shackled

Because you did not love me

He knows I am lying but says nothing

And banishes me

To the darkness below the earth

Where I may burn because woman is corrupted

And it is me who has confined all of mankind

To hatred

And all of women

To prison.

Grand Canyon Heart

I miss you

In the simplest terms

I’ve been trying to convince myself this is okay

Being apart, we’ll be okay.

I’ve been thinking it’ll all work out.

I’ve been crying…I think I have my own Nile River now.

I think I have my own numb hole to fill in my gut, my heart, my liver, my spleen

I have a lot of empty spaces I’d like you to fill

The ones between my fingers, my veins, my arteries.

I miss the way you pumped my blood and caught the oxygen

You’d let me get lightheaded, but you always caught me, smiled, grinned, laughed,

God I miss the love

I swear, I made your eyes shine.

And so what? I’m not the best with words

I can’t exactly tame my feelings

They’re a raging bull in my mind

This headache won’t leave. I’m pretty sure my skull is bruised

My heart on the other hand…has become the Grand Canyon

Hell, it’s dried up, torn up, stomped on, broken, beaten, damned

But underneath, where you once lied repairing the damage, there is beauty

Flowers bloom and rivers flow

I made you a bed with the softest Earth and waters

In case one day you decide to come home

Or the fates and sands of time allow us to be

Or if my parents decide you’re worthy

Maybe...I’m the only one that knows you love me, but they love me.

My parents? They do. I wish they could come to my canyon

And see, I need you and you’re gentle touch

To color the skies because oh my god, orange and brown? How blah.

Yes, I’m boring without you. I walk slow, dress nice, pile on the makeup and don’t speak.

Dear Buddha, I don’t speak.

You’re the only one that listened anyway.

You thought me funny, you laughed at the stupidest things

And I loved that, I will always love that. I love that.

You laughed at me and it was okay.

You’ve been to Hell for me and stayed here with me

I didn’t know happiness until I met you

I floated on clouds and drank the stars with a bendy straw

I lassoed the moon and handed it to you like a cookie 

Like those cookies you once baked me

That tasted so heavily of love I thought I’d faint

And here I am saying it, love. Love. Love.

I didn’t need that word before, not for people.

Not for the people outside of my home.

And here I am. Smiling because I still do love you.

The Nile’s flooding and I want you to come home please.

I made your bed. Come lay in it.

Human

If I turn my head and gaze past my shoulder

If I lightly open my mouth and exhale a great sigh

I would be the perfect mechanical figure

To represent what a human body should be

With gears running through me

With cogs and levers for easy adjustment

But only for those who know how to manipulate them

My steel heart painted with peeling loneliness

And the cogs grinding in my chest, just a bit too close, just a bit too tight while you’re gone

The metal beneath the plaster of my skin slowly caving in

I’m scratching at the wrinkling paper protecting layers of exposure

My very delicate machinery

Everything keeps falling in

Yet I’m still out because my arms are not designed for repairs

My mechanic is a secret

A delicate secret tucked so far away

Sometimes a little oil just isn’t enough

I need an adjustment

My mind has frozen solid

The cool metal of my skull is contracting, squeezing my brain until I cry out

My head pounds against the plaster

And I’m crumbling, crumbling, crumbling all around

I hug my knees to my chest to stop the peeling, the bleeding, the pain and try to cry

The pain is too deep, too constricting

 nothing comes out.

I want is to sleep to avoid this feeling of disintegrating, falling, breaking

The only answer, the only hope, is to wait

Sit here and wait until I am whole enough to walk on child like clumsy feet

To the other side of the world I’ll go, hand in hand with my love, stretching my metal slowly growing skin, growing soft

Step by step I’ll pull my heart out from under my bed and admit I am a human of glass

and skin, easy to shatter but warm to hold

I’ll be nestled by his side and free from this cold, old, crumbling heart in my chest

He’ll take it in his hands and press it into the hole in his chest

Crushing the last few pieces to dust

Leaving me with nothing

No innocence to hold

Just pain crushing my bones

You're Not forever

I want someone 
To stop me as I leave
Pull me back and read the heart on my sleeve

You may make me smile
But deep down I know
That if I had one foot out the door
You put your hand on my back
And lead me off the floor
You'd shut the door behind me and never see the ocean waves falling in the darkness below my eyes
I could yell and plea for you to ask for me to stay

Each day
I'll find myself outside the door
Phone in hand
Wishing maybe
you'd think to
 call

I Am Here

Every room I step into, drag myself accross
With such a lackluster attitude and sullen expression
In every room I lose a little more
Faith and hope
But every time, it takes me as a surprise and I can't help but look around
No matter where I go, I still smell you
Everything about you
The tangy, sweetness of the inscence you burn
And the spice of your cologne
I still remeber your sweet smile
And the feeling of your warm breath on my cheek

I feel like I slipped and fell on a slab of concrete
A painful throbbing everytime I blink
My bodys going numb, and my thoughts keep escaping
I've lost all energy to even speak

There are lights flashing all around
and I'm searching for the one with my name
Bright against the night sky
Screaming to the world "I am here"

Mine

The word that keeps playing over in my mind

Dancing on my lips and tickling my tongue

Our hands reaching out to each other like the sunlight falling gently upon the daffodils of early spring

Your touch makes me bloom and you gently pluck my petals and kiss my fingers

The warmth of your love against the soft palm of my hand is enough to make the chilling rain seem worthwhile

The empty days seem much brighter

And the fear of losing you more real

So I’ll lick your lips if you lick mine

I’ll slowly let these letters tumble from my mind

And late in the night I promise you’re the only one I’ll crave

Your eyes will be the only ones to make me cave

Slowly, ever so slowly I’ll completely succumb to the power your voice has over me

You Don't Want Me

The darkness is smothering me  
It's eating me whole
But you're too busy twiddling your thumbs and trying to play your xbox with your toes to notice

I'm laying here as the vultures pick at my skin and meat
Birds with beaks of stone indulge on my flesh and dine
My arms are numb and stuck at my side one above my head
There's nothing I can do but breathe and that's barely happening
 I'm so afraid to reach out because what if they're real and decide to attack 

I watch my self become a skeleton as they peck through my muscle and veins sopping up even my blood
Leaving behind no trace I was ever here except for the dust from my bones that has been ignored so long

And I'm just destined to be stuck here watching you not give a damn
Lost in my yearning for freedom
Wishing you'd carry me away
 But there are only few good days when you come sit by my side

I'm really no prize for you just a settling with a maniac til something better strolls along with a bodacious body and a high pitched laugh
And I'm trying to run away in hopes you'll stop me
But you never do

I'm begging for attention
On my knees for you to care
 Your words say one thing
 But your actions say another
As if I was meant to read them so I wouldn't know the truth

I'm only temporary

And you'll never love me like I love you, never love me

You won't even try or fight or try or fight
I'm beaten, damned
I'm  dust now
And I can't will myself to move

So maybe it's my fault you'd rather dig in your nose than look at me, all my fault
Because I'm a big heap of mess consumed by the lightly lit room laying in my bed at night
Unable to sleep because the tears make me blind

And the birds are feasting, feasting
And I'm quietly weeping, weeping
Wishing, wishing I wasn't so lost in my mind.

My Own Little Lullaby

I miss the sound of your breath as it drew in sharply in frustration
The lull of your heartbeat gently pressing on my palm
I miss the sweet smell of pressing my face into your neck
You’re like an ocean wave consuming me whole
Slowly pressing yourself on me and finding every hidden place
You’ve flooded my mind and I’m sitting on this melancholy beach
Cold and alone spitting up water trying to catch my breath
You’re like the sand
Stuck between my toes, in my hair, in my teeth
No shower can get you off my skin
You’re that tangy soda pop that parches my hot anticipating tongue
The perfect relief when the sun won’t stop beating down
I’ve got you clenched between my teeth
I’m a cannibal hungry for your delicious flesh
You keep me up at night, staring at the ceiling listening to my stomach growling
Because nothing can banish my famine as well as you
I keep hoping you’ll call just to hear my voice
To sing me to sleep so these nightmares would leave
I don’t like feeling that I’ll wake up and you’ll turn out to be a dream
If you’re not with me, I’m afraid you don’t exist
People constantly tell me I’m insane, how is this different?
I don’t like being petrified at the idea that I’m nothing special
I despise worrying
I want to give you my late night
Lack of sleep pushes me into a distant, saddened daze
But I’d do anything for you
I want to make you anything that will come across as sweet on your fine lips
So you’ll see that I too am delightful and sugary
I’d manipulate every word and every star
Just to find the perfect way to say
Since you came into my life, you completely colored the gray
Which is kind of funny because you’re an artist
Not an I’m laughing funny but a romantic irony
You’re the perfect work of art, unlike any other
A hazy portrait unable to decipher
The mystery makes me such a patron that I stare constantly
You’ve long fingers that consume my hands
And a sweet, subtle composition
The way you taste
The way you hold me close
As if you’d never let the world hold me
You found that perfect spot to grab on to my hip and manipulate me
And I find comfort in being a damsel at your leisure
Maybe that’s just me seeing things that aren’t really there, as if I were some psychic who knows it all
But the flame in my belly beneath your hand, begs to disagree
When you stare at me with your large brown, puppy dog eyes
And kiss me slowly as if for us, there is all the time in the world
My atmosphere slowly melts away into a haze, into a daze, like heaven has formed around me
In mere seconds I miss you, standing pressed against your chest, I miss you
There is no way it seems to be close enough for comfort
What I’ve had trouble speaking that comes out as a stutter or a stupid b-b-b-bye
Is that I always hated the l-word and pretending it meant something
But now it does and darling, I love you.

Growing Smaller

Lover stand and lie to me
Hide and walk past me incognito
Dare not show your face
I have been disturbed
You're a sad clown who couldn't crack a smile
Your exterior tasted so sweet
But your heart was burnt toast that no one could enjoy
your hands bulldozers breaking everything they can grab
you've become a destructive force on us
An eternity just seems redundant
As if we'd do this each day
Resent and wish we weren't near one another
I'm growing smaller without a story to tell
You've become an addiction
wiping my mind clean
Like a clean spoken man seeing a voluptuous woman
Strut past him filled with pride
I've got a sticky hot tongue with nothing left to say
You ignore my cries late in the night when I dream you hate me
When I wake to find it so I throw myself into a chair
Laying seems ridiculous when the world is crashing
All I can smell is the salt in my tears
Not your sweaty skin, for you did not follow
How could it get worse
When you forgot to brew the coffee in the morning
You stole my expectations
And turned them to comedy
I want to be elsewhere
Lover, why did you stop making me pancakes every Saturday?
Our castle has become a trailer with a pink flamingo on the front lawn
I can't stop my bodies shake
I've just grown to cold to continue on with you
These silent disputes have become just too loud
This lust is hypnotic
Leaving you behind seems ethereal
Not this way
I can not live
Take your pants and exit my haven
Leave me with my disorder of missing you
These nights I'm counting are copious
I haven't eaten in days
These feelings are bizarre
For it's Saturday, i smell breakfast, and you are no where to be found

All Hail

I'm trying to find my zen so I can say "whatever, that's cool," but I'm lost in the shuffle and there's no pretending not to care when I'm pretty sure I don't care. So you can go ahead and call me any name you can think of 'cause I'm a mean snot-nosed brat and your words are meaningless because I'm in love. L-O-V-E love. Can you spell that for me 'cause I'm lost so deep that my lust has turned to need, which plays this role and makes me think love. So yes, I'm in love, but not with a girl, not with a boy, life. La la la life is beautiful. I know it sounds like crap but look at it from my side. As I sat back, feet propped, wishing, dreaming, being me I learned to let loose and be free, now there's no worry of anyone leaving me. When i got what I wanted they attacked me from behind and while those words were flying, spitting anger on my back becase you're too afraid to face me and say what you think, I was falling head over heels for him. I know you hate me because he couldn't be with you while thoughts of me flooded his mind and you're angry. You're pissed, infuriated not jaded like I am. Wow it feels good to be me. Yeah, Yeah I know. I'm a bitch, but your words don't sting. They've got this kind of ring, like a championship song saying all hail the king and his new queen. New? Not really. I'm the original. Hate me, rape me, sedate me, can't break me. I'm those words caught in your throat that are choking you with fury. That kind of fry that makes you need to pee but you feel ridiculous and foolish doing such an involuntary task at a time like this. i may not be a high royalty, hey I'm queen of geeks, but that's still more than you can ever hope to be so nana nanny nanny boo boo, you're a disgusting person inside and out. Guess I don't suck after all.

So Many Damn Moments

There's this moment when you realize it's not him who's hurting you
It's everyone who gave you false hope
It's the fact that you couldn't prove the nonblievers wrong
And now they won't let it go
So you're a bit stuck because everyone keeps asking
"Do you still love him?"
And you get tongue tied because because well
You don't have a damn clue if you really ever did
And there's that l word again haunting you
And and and well you can't let go because you want to love him and him to love you
But that would be to easy
And maybe maybe I'm so pressed for having us pressed together because I'm a poet
And everyone knows artists love to brood
There's beauty in pain
And my writing has never been so real as it was with him
My words filled with such adoration and pain that it created something my mind couldn't even comprehend
Because people don't L word me
They don't care typically
And he did.
He did.
He still cares. I see it
But whatever
Ya know?
Whatever because I'm just a child
A broken adults soul in a childs body
And my art has never been so magnificent as it was with him.